Look out Behind you and Beware of the Ska Mando Army!

We're not Dead...Yet!

2010-11-24T22:58:00.001-05:00

Kar, your ever-sarcastic Mando here!

Thought I'd give the what, two people who reads this a heads up that we are in fact, in the words of that crazy robot, GLaDOS, "Still Alive".

Due to life picking up, we needed a break. Anima and I have been piled with College shenanigans. Not sure about her, but on my end, I wrap up my first degree next month, so go me! ...But I'm heading right back. Because I apparently enjoy abusing myself with ridiculous amounts of schoolwork. Greg's computer kept having troubles but seems to be working now. Methinks, probably soon, since it's near the break, I'll try to get everyone back around to get a few chapters out, since we all pretty much saw Deathly Hallows, so we're probably still in the Potter Mood.

Now, I dunno how many of you remember when this used to be my personal blog. Way back when, before I started College. But, as you can see, it is no longer. Chances are I'll be making a second, that'll have my artwork and whatnot, so keep and eye out on that if you're interested. You best bet I'd be pimping that thing out.

Until then, I leave you with Heavy Beiber, just because. Kar out.

Chapter 34: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT.

2010-06-16T14:01:00.002-04:00

Spruced up the page. :P
Yes, I know, my affair with the World Cup should not interfere with the review, but I have no goo idea to name the chapter. Both are equally annoying though.

Chapter 34.

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1

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I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly…………………. Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.

K: Dude, quit slapping your dick on the door. Maker knows what’s touched it!
…The door, not your dick.

A: ...Maybe he's having a wank?

G: There’s the fucking fishnets again.

“Hi Ibony.” he said. “Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor’s office.”

K: 2 cum 2 sounds like an Early 90’s Gay Rap group.

G: All this story has is shooting, pedos, dicks, and cum… also fishnets and black.

K: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

“Ok.” I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway.

“So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?” I asked Sorious flirtily.

K: Andraste’s knickerweasels…other than the suspected Pedophiles, is there anyone else you don’t want to fuck?!

A: Enoby, Enoby, Enoby. What a strange creature you are. Constantly horny and constantly depressed. KILL YOURSELF.

G: Soriously Guyz.

“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”

K: 99.9% of readers have lost brain cells on this piece of shit. 2% of that lost them after reading that line.

A: 2% of HUURRRR DUUUUR DUR DUH DURRR

I laughed evilly.

“Where r Draco and Vampira?” I muttered.

K: I suppose if he stopped eating and wore a really tight corset he could pull of Vampira…then there’s a good wig and make-up…

“Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Sodomize moaned sexily. “Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas.”

K: Ladies and gentlemen, another Freudian Slip.

A: ....Sodomize. Wait. The Nightmare Before Christmas? YOU WANKERS.

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic

( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum.

K: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE!?!? MY LIFE WILL NOT BE COMPLETE UNTIL I KNOW!

A: THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!

G: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

“Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited.” she said sadly. “Good luck. Fangz!”

K: Why don’t you just check into Wizard Rehab and get some Magic Methadone or something?

A: ...-facepalm- ADDICTION DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

And then……….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around……………I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed……he was drinking a portent.

K: A very strong portent indeed. And who wears Converses with a suit? I can it being with jeans, a blazer, and some funky tee, but not a suit.

A: ...Let us have a moment of silence for the roughly two thousand brain cells of mine that just committed suicide. Also. COUNT CHOCULA. Also, imagine for a moment what would happen if Charles Manson and Marilyn Manson combined their DNA.
No refunds on those sleepless nights you will never get back.

“Whose he!11” I asked.

“Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn.” Satan said. “He’s da Portents teacher…………..Ebony?”

K: Gimme a second. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Slutborn! Maker’s Breath, if it wasn’t for the fact she sucks at spelling, I would think she was being ironic!

A: ...Let us now have a moment of silence for Anima, who appears to have died of acute laughter.

“Yah?” I asked.

“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat.”

K: RICHARD SIMMONS?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
PS- Marylin Manson wasn’t around during Riddle’s time as well. Obviously talked about in earlier chapters but, Time/Setting Fail. It’s like if I went “OH HAI Alistair,you magnificent royal bastard you, you wanna go see Tenacious D? They’re like, totes playing a gig in Denerim, fer srs, lol.”

By the way, Kickapoo and Beelzeboss are excellent songs for slaying the Archdemon. ;D

“Yah?”

G: ENCHANTMENT!

A: Now lift your palm up to your face. 1 and 2 and 1 and 2 and 1 and 2.

“Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?”

K: Well, I don’t think I bend that way. .___.;;

A: I would, but I'd probably throw my back out.

MI Review: Chapter 33

2010-06-06T21:17:00.000-04:00

Okay guys, I think after this, we might take a sabbatical. We need to decide what's our next piece, and I for one just not feeling it that much. Ten More chapters though. And now on to the chapter!

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AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112

K: I feel as if a million brain cells cried out and were suddenly silenced.

Chapter 33.

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don’t lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1

K: Oh-ho-ho. TWO Author’s notes? My mind is blown.

A: [epic booming voice!] ENOBY. I AM GOD. THIS IS MY REVIEW. THIS FANFICTION IS AN ABOMINATION UNTO ALL THAT IS GOOD. YOU ARE GOING TO HELL.

G: Ohhhhhhh Shit.

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“Oh my fuking god!1” I shooted sadly. “Shud we get u 2 St Manga’s, bitch?”

A: What's with all the guns in this fanfic? And St. Manga's? Is there a patron saint of the Wapanese or something?

K: I thought that was like St. Shinji or something.
HAHA! EVANGELION. /Phil Ken Sebben

“Hel no!” she said. “Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?”

K: Nod Flenders?

A: ...Egogy?

G: Next time you go back in time? What the fuck really WHAT THE FUCK.

“Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas.

K: That’s not what need in my head, Draco wearing nothing but a panama made out of black t-shirt. D:

A: Worse. A panama made out of big black shit.

G: At lleast he’s not wearing fishnets.

“Hey Sexxy.” I said.

“How’d it go Enoby?” he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking.

“Fine.” I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

“How far did u go wif Satan?” Drako asked jealously.

“Not 2 far, lol.” I borked.

K: BORK! BORK! BORK!
/Swedish Chef

A: ...lol?

G: Bork Yeah.

“Will you hav to do it with him?” Draco asked angstily.

“I hop not 2 far!111” I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.

K: Well that’s a good thing, ‘cause you know hopping too far might cause you to trip. And fall. AND DIE. >:[

A: TAKE THE GUN AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN. SOMEONE PLEASE. She's gonna shoot someone's eye out. I'd like to have mine shot out right now.

“What happened 2 Snipe?” I growled.

K: He escaped this bullshit.

A: Indeed. I would too if I was surrounded by these wankers.

“U will see.” Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door……………Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife.

K: LUMPKIN! –Snort-
With all this ‘pokering’ I’m starting to subconsciously think this is slash.

A: ...I...I've got nothing. Really.

G: CAN’T READ MY, CAN’T READ MY , NO YOU CAN’T READ MY POKER FACE…

“NOOOO PLZ!1111” Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz). We took sum of Snipe’s blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven’t herd of it den FUK U!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on ‘desolition liverz’ by MCR. Den………………………………………….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.

K: 1- Putting clothes back on just to strip them off—REDUNDANT.
2- HEEEEEEEY. LEAVE DONNY OUTTA THIS!
3- Caligula has banned you from future orgies because of your behavior.

A: 1. Hey, it works if you're doing sexual roleplay.
2. Hold on. Trying to picture Tom Felton with a six-pack. -dies of laughter-
3. Wetness? Oy vey.

G: I’m just gonna stay away from this one…

“Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation.

“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.

K: TaEbory? Uhhhhhh…
I love the little ‘lol’ at the end. Very Professional. FOR ME TO POOP ON.

A: ...How do you scream passively?

G: You know, for someone trying to be hardcore, she does say LOVE and act happy a lot. What a fucking poser.

MI Review 32: Logic Meets Its Match

2010-05-09T20:20:00.001-04:00

Chapter 32.

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111

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“Hi.” I said flirtily. “Im Enoby Way da new student.” I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

“Da name’s Tom.” he said. “But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam”

K: It’s actually ‘Stan’. The Doctor screwed up on his birth certificate.

A: ...Tom Satan Bombadil. Alias Voldemort. WAT.

G: What the fuck is she gonna do with Silk Polish?

We shok hands. “Well come on we have 2 go upstairs.” Satan said. I followed him. “Hey Satan……..do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?” (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den) I asked.

K: Green Day wasn’t around back then either, hon. Nice try.

“Oh my fuking god, how did u know?” Satan gasped. “actually I like gc a lot too.”(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that’s ounded really 80s)

“omg me too!” I replied happily.

K: THEY WEREN’T AROUND EITHER!

A: AND GOOD CHARLOTTE IS NOT GOTH. Neither is Green Day, MCR or Evanescence.

G: WHY ARE YOU TWO TRYING TO USE LOGIC WITH THIS.

A: BECAUSE I HAVE NOT LEARNED MY LESSON.

“guess what they have a concert in hogsment.” satan whispered.

“hogsment?” I asked.

“yeah that’s what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000.” he told me all sekrtivly. “and theres a really cool shop called Hot-“

K: Highly doubt that.

‘topic!” I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. “noo its called Hot Ishoo.” He smiled skrtvli again. “then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic.” he moaned.

K: …How does he know this?

A: ...Skrtvli?

“ohh.” now everything was making sense for me. “so is dumblydor your princepill?” I shouted.

A: PRINCE PILLS HERE.

“uh-huh.” he looked at his black nails. “im in slitherin’”

“OMfG SHME TOO!” I SHRIEDKED.

K: SHMEE! SHMEE! …Wait, it was ‘Smee’, wasn’t it. D:

“u go to this skull?”(geddit cos im goffik) he asked.

K: “No, I go to the Femur.”

A: And I go to the Phalanges.

G: But we must go to the Maxilla!

“yah that’s why im here im NEW.” I SMELLED HAPPili.

K: Mmm, that New Student Smell.
…Last I checked, Happy didn’t smell that way.

G: They just need to use some soap.

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. “NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!” he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. “STUPID GOFFS!”

K: …Whoa bro. Dumbledore does Speed Metal? Brootal.

A: ...Let me try to process this. Dumbledore. Dressed like a preppy white boy.

satan rolled his eyes. “his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we’re in slytherine and we’re not preps.”

I turned around angrily. “actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord.”

K: No, it’s because He’s a Blood Mage, and you’re an Abomination. As such, I evoke the Right of Annulment on Hogwarts, the Templars will arrive from Denerim shortly to dispose of you. May the Maker have Mercy on you.
PS- Barkspawn > Bark Lord

A: Woof.
“wtf?” he asked angrily.

“oh nuffin.” I said sweetly.

then suddenlyn………………. the floor opened. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.”

K: Oh noes, she feels down, poor baby.

G: Wow, we didn’t fall down sexily for once.

“hey where r u goin?” satan asked as I fell.

K: Yes, because THAT’S the first thing I’d ask seeing someone fall down a hole.

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry’s classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. “dumblydore I think I just met u.” I said.

“oh yeah I rememba that.” dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik.

K: Yes, that was during my Speed Metal phase…it was Brutepically Metal.

sinister came in. “hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?”

:”um.” I looked at her.

“oh yeaH I forgot bout that.”

K: Smoooooth.

“wth how?” I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok.

professor sinster looked sad. “um I was drinking voldemortserum.” she started to cry black tears of depression. dumblydum didn’t know about them.

K: While branching out with his own beverage is good, I think he needs a better advertising group.

G: LOL

A: Tears of depression? Redundant tears are redundant.

“hey r u crying tears of blood?” he asked curiously, tuching a tear.

“fuck off!” we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.

K: Okay, I’m stating think she’s making fun of Dumbledore’s name on purpose. Dumblydum. -Snort-

professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. “omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum.”

K: Disregard what I said earlier. Who needs advertising when you put crack in it?

A: ...Yeeeah. They gotta get those weird colored tears checked. That cannot be healthy.

MI Review 31: A Very Unexpected Cameo

2010-04-28T12:48:00.000-04:00

Chapter 31.

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111

K:…Queefs? O___o;;

A: ...[gong sound]
G: Wut…

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“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111).” Serious said 2 Snape.

K: “bufy rox!111”, Where did that come from?

A: ...Oy vey.

“No I’m not I was teaching them somefing!1” Snap clamed.

“Oh fucking yeah?” I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B’loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid’s store.

K: Seriously, the Dark Lord seems to know how to branch out. His own drink? Classy.

A: ...Wait, what? Luscious? Y'know, that sounds like a porn star name. Luscious Malfoy. And for another thing where the hell'd he get a tape recorder?

G: If their plan works, Voldemort might kill himself as soon as he see’s her.

“Whatz in da bag?” I asked Profesor Trevolry.

G: DAT BAG.

“U will c.” she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.

K: ‘Low-smut’ indeed.
And hey! My shtick was the lipshtick!

A: Oy oy, ya nebbish. It's my shtick. And this fanfic is a load of schlock.

“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” B’loody Mary said.

“Fangs.” I said.

K: Wayii. -Facepalms-

A: ...Oh god not this weeaboo shit.

G: *RAGES*
“Ok now you’re going to go back in tim.” said Proffesor Sinister. “U will have to do it in a few sessionz.” She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill. Then she gave me a black time-tuner. “After an hour use da time torner to go back here.” Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B’loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me.
Every1 went in front of it.

K: I betcha she’s only seen the movies. I doubt the games could keep her attention long enough. >__>
And why is she going into the Pensieve, if she’s using the Time-Turner? Wouldn’t that alone suffice?

A: TIME TRAVEL DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
AND WHY THE HELL DOES SHE HAVE A FUCKIN' GUN!?

G: …SRSLY.

“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth’s touch sin. Then……….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.

K: Have fun stormin' da castle!

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111

K:………………Whut.
WHUT?!

A: ...Why is Tom Bombodil here? And he's a guy with a huge Dumbledore-like beard.

MI Chapter 30: Make Your Own Damn Witty Title For Once.

2010-04-25T14:51:00.000-04:00

Chapter 30.

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111

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“No!11” we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. Then…………………… he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle.

K: What does have, like extra hands? How is he holding all this stuff and doing everything?

A: ...It's magically Anvilicious.

G: So, he is bread?

“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!

K: Maker’s Breath, it IS a Dork Mark.

A: ...Wait, wasn't Snoop Dogg banned for life from the UK?

G: I guess not.

He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.

K: In the words to the interweb…DO IT FAGGOT.

“U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!1”

K: Yo, this goes out to my boy, The Funkmaster MC D-Rizzle…

“No you fucking bastrad!1” I yielded.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive.

K: That pun made no sense. And I generally “get” her shitty puns.

A: Well, Satanists, according to Enoby's twisted reality, hate crosses. And the pentagram isn't even a Satanist symbol.
Also. HOW DARE SHE DISRESPECT KURT COBAIN.

G: “I thought of da time when we screwed” Aww, the whore wants cock.

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.

K: Volxemort, I am assuming, is the Incan god of Crap Fanfiction.
A: Pathetic is right.
Sniping's a good job, ain't it?

G: Fag 1 and Fag 2 might self-destruct it seems.

“Dumbeldork will get u!” Draco shooted.

K: I still don’t know if this is intentional or not.

A: I wonder how good his marksmanship is.

“Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11” Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand.

K: Sorry, you’re just a talking dog shy of having him -not- get away with it.

G: I fucking called it she’s a dickgirl… oh wait its just a wand.
“You ridiculus dondderhed!111” Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico’s clothes. Just as he was about to rape him…………………….

“Crosio!” I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio.

K: When did this become some creepy Scheisser fic?

A: ...Text messages in Harry Potter. What.

“You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-” shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came.

K: Oh SNAP! Evil twin all along?!

Snake put the whip behind his bak. “Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing.” he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said ‘Come on Ebony let’s go.”

K: Eheheheheheheheheheheh. “Teaching.” Uh-Huh.

G: Snake…. Snake. SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!

MI Chapter 29: Wait for the End. You'll Enjoy it.

2010-04-22T13:03:00.000-04:00

Chapter 29.

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111

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“Oh my satan!1” we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.

G: PEW PEW PEW?

“CUM NOW!1!” Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.

K: …And they did. Foshizzle mah nizzle.

G: Snoop Dogg?

“Hey what the fuck!111” Vampire shooted angrily.

“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?” Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. “Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango’s. So give back da camera!1111”

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.

K: Lauren, I think you might want to check up on that dog of yours…

“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

K: Aahahahahaha. ‘honkerchief’.

And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.

K: What. WHAAAAAAT?

A: ....Fucking GUNS? REALLY?

“Crosio!” I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said “OK Serverus I’m going 2 go now.” She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.

“It’s ok Enoby.” said Draco. “Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake.”

K: Evergreen will be Pine! Evergreen will be Pine! Damn it!

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111

K: …You know, I’m not the slightest bit surprised.
…When a Problem comes along, you must Whip it! Whip it Good!

G: ‘Scuse me while I whip this out.

A: And then I thrust it.

Chapter 28: Redundant is an Overstatement

2010-04-07T15:08:00.000-04:00

Chapter 28.

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi!1111111

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We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath.

K: It must be uncomfortable sitting on a skull.

A: ...Okay. Who the hell sleeps in a coffin. Seriously.

K: Abby from NCIS does. :P

G: Well, I guess we know where the black box of TWA flight 800 is…

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire.

“Are you okay?” Vampir asked potting his albastard hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it.

K: Albastard, now that’s clever.

A: ...Heh, bastard.

“Yah I guess.” I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. “The problem is……………………….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time”

A: ...Oh fuck no. Not this timey wimey love affair. Can I get some pot over here?

G: Wow Ebony, you’re sad about it. What about the 3000 other times you bent over for cock?

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him.

K: Cry sadly? You serious? Redundant.

G: Redundant is an overstatement of the whole story.

K: Touche, Salesman.

“Itz okay Eboby.” he said finally. “But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?”

A: ...Hit the friggin' gas! I hope they wreck.
G: Ebony doesn’t need to worry about breaks unless she’s in a Toyota.

A: ...I'm actually hoping it's a Pinto.

“Of coarse not!” I gasped.

K: I’m just going to Seduce the Dark Lord…I’m sure if he loves me he won’t mind me going back to my boyfriend…

“Really?” he asked.

“Sure.” I said.

We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly.

Then………… I took off Draco’s MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants. He was hung lik a stallone. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4).

K: I lost it at 'Hung like a Stallone'.

A: ...You know he was a porn star right? Clever, Ms. Gillesbie. Clever.

G: Now the question is what is he gonna fap to, her or Draco?

K: Well, seeing as Draco is the far more attractive one…
I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

K: WHOOOOOO~!

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.

K:

A: ...Spock. LOLWUT.

G: This needs more Sulu and a YES CAPTAINNNNNN.

“I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u.” he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly. Suddenly…………………………

A: Suddenly, ellipses! Hundreds of them!

“WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!”

It was………………………….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111

K: You’d think they’d be used to it by now.

A: ...Oh god do I wish this was an urban legend.

G: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Chapter 27: Typography Puns HOOOOO!

2010-04-06T00:21:00.001-04:00

Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111

K: You already used that excuse, hon.

G: Why can’t you just get a fucking gun next time bitch.

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Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.

K: Bond…Sirius Bond.

G: I thought you where hardcore ebony now your hugging?… poserrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

“Cum on Enoby.” said Proffesor Sinatra. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. “I have to tell you the fucking perdition.”

K: Right now? Seriously? In the Hospital Wing? You have no shame.

A: Fly me to the moon. Also, platinum is not black. It is white. AND IT IS METAL.

G: One Word... Bukkake.

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. They nodded.

K: Serifs was just like ‘Fuck this noise I’mm go chill with my homie Goudy and Helvetica.’
It was a Typography/Designer pun. LAUGH DAMN YOU!

A: And Arial and Verdana aren't invited.

K: That because they were acting like Dingbats. BADUM TISH!

I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said……………………… “Tara, I see drak times are near.” She said badly. She peered into da balls. “You see, you must go back in time.” She took out a Time-Toner like B’loody Mary had. “When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?” I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it.”

K: Mmm…Voldemints.
Holy crap, she’s using that ‘broken heart’ ploy?

A: I wonder if the Death Eaters always have fresh breath. Also. BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK.
PLEASE NO. D:

G: So I get it as the only way to stop him is to let him get some pussy?

K: Apparently. Then why don’t they just give him the Wizard equivalent of singles and bring him to a Wizard Strip Club?
Actually wait, don’t. If I remember correctly, their currency is all coin-based, that doesn’t fare well with strippers.

“Okay.” I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. I went outside again sadly.

“What fucking happened?” asked Draco and Vampire.

“Yeah what happened?” asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary?

K: Boldy Mary? You’re sure it’s not Italic Mary or Condensed Mary? Maybe Subscript or Strikeout Mary?
Fuckin’ A, I’m on a roll with Typography Puns. D:

G: your forgetting Underlined Mary. :3

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley’s Whizard Wises.

K: Finding two people doesn’t seem to warrant cake and fireworks. I should know.

A: ...FUCKING WESLEY CRUSHER FFFFFUUUUU.

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.

A: Invisibility Coke? Is that like Crystal Pepsi?

K: Nah, that’s what people do when they drag their nose across a table. ;D

Chapter 26: Toot of Crakter

2010-04-03T18:10:00.000-04:00

Chapter 26.

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11

K: Suuuuuuuuuuuuure you weren’t.

G: This doesn’t need to be flamed, it needs to be nuked.

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A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.

K: Made from the skin of Michael Jackson, circa Thriller.

A: ..."Mutates"? We seem to have stumbled into an X-Men fanfiction.

G: DAT TREE.

“Hi Vampire.” I said flirtily as I started to sob. Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.

K: What a range of emotions we got here!

A: ...I've always wondered what sort of biological makeup leads to tears of blood. That can't be healthy.

G: Ebony, Queen of the Whores, and holder of the world’s fastest mood swings.

“Oh fuck it!” Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. “What fucking dick did that!”

K: Tricky Dick.

“I don’t know.” I said. “Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor.”

We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.

K: And leave our car right where someone could take it.

A: Thank you, Enoby, but our plot is in another castle!

G: So we went from DAT TREE to DAT CASTLE.

“Sire are dads have been shot!” Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. “Enoby had a vision in a dreem.”

A: All Hail King Dumbledore!
Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?”

K: Heeeeeey, Dumbledore’s back to being an alcoholic! I like this guy. I was going to say the same thing.

A: Who cares if she's divisional? I just hope she doesn't multiply.

G: WAIT. Dumbledore started to clam? What… the fuck.

I glared at Dumbledore.

“Look motherfucker.” he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter). “U know very well that I’m not decisional. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!”

K: A Freudian Slip, methinks.

G: Dumbledore needs to reply with something like this. “Hang on Ebony, I'm calling the Department of Who Gives a Shit.”

“Okay.” he said in a intimated voice. “Were are they?”

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. “Longdon.” I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. We looked at each other’s gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers……………………….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1

K: SHE WAS THE KILLER! :O

A: Why so Serious?
...Mistunes? Is he off-key or something?
...Derp de derp derp derp. Peressed.

G: I guess…
*puts on sunglasses* …
This just got SERIOUS. *YEAAAHHHHH*

Chapter 25: LIKE A BAWSE.

2010-03-30T17:43:00.000-04:00

Chapter 25.

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1

K: If he’s willing to pay the price for travel, then go right ahead.

G: What nerds would help you out? I think she’s got it backwards. “ stop flaming n sotp al da nredz rofm puttng al the vrtuz o ym comutepr”

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I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Draco’s black car.

“Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say.” whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.

K: Oh, the way you said ‘fuck’ is SO caring…

G: Holy Shit a Milestone! ‘Gothic’ is spelled right!

“She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow.” I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork. He started to fly the car into a tree. We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.

K: Score some coke, LIKE A BAWSE, Crash my car, LIKE A BAWSE…

A: ...SPORK. That is all.

G: Bomb the Preps, LIKE A BAWSE!

“And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me.” sang Gerard’s sexy voice. We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.

K: TOOL?! *Snort*

A: Wow. Ikea Erotica fail. Hey Enoby. Newsflash. GIRLS DON'T HAVE TOOLS.
Dammit Enoby you're making me crave cloves.

G: I don’t think a girl wants to wear a whole bar on herself, let alone a leather one. And looks like someone’s a DICKGIRL!

“OMFG Draco Draco!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

K: That must’ve been some bad sex.

OH COME ON NOW. A Black guy shooting some punk ass crackas that probably deserved it? Dat’s just racist, yo.
A: ...Usually French kissing isn't done passively. And she dreamed about the Matrix?

G: Ebony, if you take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in MI and I show you how deep the shithole goes.

K: LOL, Cowboy Curtis.

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Ebony what’s wrong?” Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

K: I dreamed, I dreamed I was stuck in Vice City! Oh the horror!

G: Oh great, she’s gone all Bioshock now. I guess Draco is Andrew Ryan. “Would you kindly end this story?”
I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where……………………… Lucian and Serious!111

K: The thing is, Lucius deserved it, Sirius was just collateral.

A: Are ya Serious? ...Sorry, I couldn't resist.

G: SHIT’S GOING DOWN YO.

Chapter 24: Back From the dead bitches!

2010-03-11T23:44:00.002-05:00

WE LIVE! Now to 24.

Chapter 24.

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 raven fagz 4 di help!

A: Hey! What does she have against homosexuals?

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Well we had Deviation next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions.

A: Since when did Hogwarts have access to DeviantART?

“Konnichiwa everybody come in.” said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. She’s da coolest fucking teacher ever. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire. She’s also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b’loody mry get along grate) She’s really young for a teacher. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. I raced my hand. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it.

K: Ewwwww, dead hair.

A: Pastors? Oh no! We're all going to hell! And since when did a professor in Scotland say "konnichiwa?" Although "konnichiwa bitches" woulda been funnier.

G: “Hey class, today we’re all gonna perform seppuku!”

“What is it Ebony?” she asked. “Hey I love ur nail polish where’d u get it, Hot Topik?”

“Yeah.” I answered. All the preps who didn’t know what HT was gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?”

K: Oh Jeez, Ulla, it’s Eleven already?

G: Yes, because giving the middle finger makes you so hardcore.

K: HxC! –Flips the bird-

“Ho about now?” she asked.

“OK.” I said.

“OK class fucking dismissed every1.” Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. “Except for you Britney.” she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. “Please do exorcize (geddit) 1 on page 3.”

K: Wait, does swearing equal cool here? And I thought her name was Sinister.

Then all the other ‘preps’ laughed because Britney was the only one doing work!

“OK I’m having lotz of visions.” I said in a worried voice. I’m so worried is Draco gong 2 die.

A: Get outta here. -whacks a gong-

G: I’m having lots of visions too…of a shitty fanfic. Oh-shit, it’s real.

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

“What do you c?” she asked.

K: Nothing, the crystal’s black.

A: I wonder whose grave she robbed to get a cryptal ball.

“I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram.”

A: I see a generic edgy album cover.

G: Remember everything is black, red or generic.

K: You mean “goffik”.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes.

K: Larry Ingleberg. Democrat- Rhode Island.

G: Bob Dole!
“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” said Proffesor Sinister.

K: If she was just saying it as an honest observation, I’d like her more.

“Bye bitch.” I said waving.

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited.

K: STEEEEEEEP RIGHT UP! SEE THE FREAKISH WHOREBEAST!

A: Hey, is she gonna do a strip tease? If so, I don't wanna be there.

G: I smell someone is gonna fuck or beat someone up again.

2010 Update.

2010-02-19T01:35:00.001-05:00

It is with great regret that I must inform you that Lauren has stepped off from the MI Review. Wether or not she comes back on for future fanfics I leave to her.

But fear not, we have another Contributor! I'd like to welcome Anima to our crew. She will add her own flavor to this shitstorm...or at least I hope she does. XD

Well with that said, MI 24 will probably be up in a few weeks, I get a week off between Session I and II, so I'll have time to focus on that.

Chapter 23: Jim Jim Jimmy Jim Jim

2009-11-24T00:30:00.004-05:00

Chapter 23.

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!

K: BWWWWWWWWWWWHA? SHE’S NEVER READ THE BOOKS? ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? I’VE LOST ALL FAITH IN HUMANITY.

G: Doesn’t she know it’s over 9000 bad “Reviowz”.

K: IT’S OVAR 9000!!

G: LIKE NO WAI! :O

L: I gathered that Raven told her about the books, thus, she went and read them. I could be wrong, of course. ._.

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The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us.

K: I’m still not sure if the slightly funny puns on Dumbledore are still intentional.

L: DUMBLIEDORE!

G: I want some rum and fudge now. :/

“MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

“Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her. “She means hi everybody cum in!”

K: Hurr hurr. That’s what she said.

L: Hurr hurr. WAIT WHY IS HE CORUPPTING HER? And Dumblie blared hahah.

G: Great, more human cum dumpsters.

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B’loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was………Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother.

K: I’m still curious as to how Hogwarts procures blood for their vampiric students.

G: I bet they drain all the “Special Students” of blood.

L: Blood bank? ._______.

“Vampire, Draco WTF?” I asked.

K: IDK, my BFF Diabolo?

G: *Slaps*

K: *Jarate Chops*

G: I’ve been shown who is the boss!!!!

L: JIHAD! …..am I too late? D;

“You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit next to her!1”

K: Oh, the things people do to get themselves off.

G: 2 Vampires 1 Slut?

L: I cannot stop laughing. And being sick, I’m laughing really hard silently, causing Billy to stare at me in concern.

“No I do!” shouted.

K: Oh great, another weird fetishist.

G: So it’s now 3 Vampires 1 Horrible Fanfic.

L: No one said you didn’t want to….who…ever you might be. D:

“No she doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Draco.

“No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!” shouted Vampire. And then……………… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other.

K: Alright, when I read the ‘lave’ part, I couldn’t help but to think the ‘To Blave’ scene from The Princess Bride. I don’t know why.

G: All and Harry and Draco do is fuck and beat each other up.

K: So your average day in the land of Gor. Wait, wrong story.

L: Not much else to do there, apparently.

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Volzemort!

K: The only thing that could stop her from eating: Voldemort.

G: *Takes off glasses* My God.

L: Did he have a nose?

“Eboby…..Ebony…….” Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!”

K: HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD UP!

Darth Valer? SERIOUSLY? Voldie’s a Sith Lord now? How did this happen?

Wayii, ni kovid kadala. D: /Mando'a [For you aruetii- "Oy gavalt, my head hurts. D:"]

G: Ebony, I’m your father?

K: Too easy.

L: Greg’s mom is easy. ALSO. The beginning of that paragraph reminded me of Muppet Treasure Island. “Jim Jim Jimmy Jim Jimmy Jim James Jim Jimmy Jim Jim.”

K: Oh man, you’re right!

“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.

“No!” he laughed crudely. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!” Then he flew away cackling.

K: Why don’t you just kill him yourself , it saves us the trouble of dealing with , well, y’know, HER.

G: Fuck you Voldemort for not killing her.

L: I thought he was gonna kill them! D:

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way.

K: Better idea: why doesn’t Voldie just convince Draco to go down the street?

G: So Draco kills himself cause Voldemort was coming to kill him? God, what a fucking pussy.

K: INDEED.

L: HE CAN’T KILL HIMSELF, HE’S A VAMPIRE, DUH. #duh

“No!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

L: That’s hot.

“Ebony Ebony aure you alright?” asked Draco in a worried voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everyfing’s all right Enoby.” said Vampire all sensetive.

“No its not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!”

K: OH NOES! WHAT IF!

She says everything’s okay, then flips out and says it isn’t. Hurm.

G: DAT RING.

K: DAT ASS. :B

L: POOTANG! #bandwagon

“Its ok gurl.” said B’loody Mary. “Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went.

K: I never got the whole calling your friends ‘bitch’ deal.

G: Me neither.

L: WILL THE GANG EVER GET TO PROFESSOR SINISTER? WILL VOLDIEPANTS MAKE A VOLDIEPANTS RETURN AND KILL THEM ALL? STAY TUNED!

MI Review Chapter 22: The highest point, but not the lowest.

2009-09-18T21:02:00.000-04:00

Chapter 22.

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1

K: This whole ‘It’s her fault! Blame her! Just joking, love ya!’ thing is getting annoying.

L: This whole author’s note thing is getting annoying. Thus, why I stopped commenting on it. For the most part.

On another note, HALFWAY DONE! WOO!

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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. Then I gasped.

K: O, Woe to the magical kind, etc, etc.

L: Oh shit, I thought you just walked through the door. Damn.

O LOL. First, she was wearing pajamas. Then, she gasped!

Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!

I opened my crimson eyes. Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B’loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said ‘bich’ and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle’s dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.

K: Hmm… that sounded pretty much slapped together.

Also Goths don’t have to be depressed all the time. I’ve met a few who actually have a positive outlook on death. :D

L: Wut.

“OMFG” I yielded as I jumped up. “Why the fuck are u all here?”

K: We all decided it was high time for an Intervention.

L: O I LOL’D.

“Enoby something is really fucked up.” Draco said.

L: YOU MEAN BESIDES THIS FAN-FIC? WHY, WHATEVER COULD IT BE?

“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.

K: Let me just get my stickies.

“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful.” Draco said in a sexy voice.

“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”

K: Hurr hurr.

L: Lulzasaurus.

“I will I will.” he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came. We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.

K: I know I’m late to the party. 22 Chapters in and I’m asking about why the students suddenly disregard the dress code.

L: She’s so hot, she makes herself orgasm, apparently.

“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”

“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge.

K: WOOF! WOOF!

“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!” yelled Rumbridge. “YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!”

K: Well duh. If he doesn’t retry, he leaves a window for assault.

L: Principal. Lol. FINE YOU CAN BE THE PRINCIPAL, “RUMBRIDGE”, BUT DUMBLEDORE CONTINUES TO BE HEADMASTER.

“Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B’loody Mary looked at each other………I gasped.

K: And with that, the Canon is officially raped.

Hey-ey-ey! A Dea ex Machina- Sue!

L: WHAT DID EBONY DO?……………………………............................................................................

………………………………........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

……….oh. Nevermind.

MI Review Chapter 21: Role Reversal

2009-09-15T23:17:00.002-04:00

Chapter 21.

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!

K: I did a little research. Apparently Most Dracula films are not filmed in Transylvania. I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she means the 1931 Universal one-- a Classic I might add, though it was filmed on the Universal Lot like most movies of its time.

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Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. “Draco are u okay?” I asked in a gothic voice.

L: Ooo, spooky.

“No I’m not u fuking bitch!” he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.

K: Way to go. Lover boy’s gonna off himself, and you’re just going to cry.

“Its ok Enoby.” said Vampire comfortly. “Ill make him feel better.”

“U mean you’ll go fuck him wont you!” I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

K: Hey, if it keeps him from killing himself.

“Draco please come!” he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)

K: *Snigger* Homophones.

L: Ring ring ring, ring ring ring, homophone!

And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

K: That must be some strong coke, if it makes you invisible. Hate to see what Wizard Acid is like.

“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

K: Oh, poor, poor, confused girl. She swapped the characters.

“IS ANY1 THERE!” yelled Mr. Norris.

“No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!” Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way.

K: I’m trying to imagine this, and it’s quite silly.

L: That whole scene is quite silly. The cat is talking.

“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!” yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. “Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!” he asked. Filth nodded. And then……………………….Vampir frenched me! He did it jus as…………………….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

K: HOLY SHIT SON. THE CAT CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HIM.

L: SEE WHAT I MEAN?!

K: WHOA. MY MIND IS BLOWN. BLOWN, I TELLS YA.

“WHAT DA-” he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school.

K: Then he caught up with us, saw Draco, and sent him to St. Mungo’s for a little psychiatric care.

L: They’re coming to take me away, ha ha!

“Draco!” I cried. “R u okay?”

“I guess though.” Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin) on the gothic red bed together. As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1

K: Oh noes! Her magical Sue powers allow her to see the future!

And could you find some other way to describe you guys shoving each other’s tongues down your throats? Frenching just sounds so…juvenile.

L: LOLOLOL. What a whore.

WHAT WAIT WHOA. THE MYSTERY OF MAGIC CAME IN?

CAN HE TELL ME THE SECRET TO ALL OF MY FAVORITE TRICKS?

Christ.

K: And we all say…

Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a cat so clever as MAGICAL MISTER MISTOFFOLEES~!

MI Review Chapter 20: In Which There is Another Concert

2009-09-14T14:11:00.009-04:00

Chapter 20.

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz.

K: Three days? That seems a little short for a long-distance vacation.

L: The p in pflamin is silent, by the way.

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All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.

K: Sacredly hopping inside? That’s new one.

L: LOLOLOL YOU MOSHED BY YOURSELF? LOLOL.

“Wut de fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! “R u gonna cum rape me or what.” I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo.

K: Cum raping…WHAT?!

L: I think if they were really pedos, they wouldn’t be allowed to teach anymore…

“No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns.” he growld angrily.

K: Don’t you think he’d be better off asking Draco that? I’m surprised she didn’t say ‘geddit’ to the ‘condemns’. Oh wait, it was unintentional, ah making the irony even more sweeter.

“Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?” I shouted sarkastikally.

K: No, so I can fuck YOUR boyfriend.

L: ^THIS^

“Fuker.” He said, gong away.

L: Well, that was really random…

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1

“Oh my god you ludacris idiot!” they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)

K: Am I the only female in the world that doesn’t like buttsex? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not homophobic. I believe that two men can love, I just rather not watch them share it. Then again, as an asexual, any form of intercourse weirds me out for some reason.

L: Snake? Where did he come in? .__.

K: SNAKE?! SNAKE?! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!

“WTF is that why u wanted condoms?” I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

K: No, I wanted to make balloon animals.

“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Lumpkin shouted angrily.

“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed.

L: WELL, WHY THE HELL ELSE WOULD HE ASK FOR SOME? OTHER THAN TO MAKE BALLOON ANIMALS, OF COURSE.

“You dimwit!.” Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then………I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

K: And thus, she became a millionaire by selling the smut pictures to yaoi-starved fangirls.

“Well xcuse me!” they both shouted angrily. “What was dat al about?”

L: Sounds like “Well excuuuuuuuuuuuse me!” to me.

K: Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!

“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

K: Curious, was the ‘Dumbledork’ intentional or not? I’m confused. And how does one trip over a wound?

“WTF where’d Draco?” I asked him.

“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum.” Vampire said shaking his hed. “U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?”

K: *Bites fist* I’m more mature than this, not gonna laugh at the innuendo, not gonna laugh at the innu--AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

*Breathes deeply*

I’m good.

L: ………BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAA.

A-hoo.

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said ‘ENOBY’ on it.

……….I gasped.

K: I’d gasp too if my name was spelled wrong.

L: LOL. IF ONLY SHE KNEW ABOUT HIS DOGFATHER. IF ONLY SHE KNEW.

K: If I didn't already know it was error on her spelling, I would think she was trying to be clever.

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing ‘Helena’ and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ……….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner.

K: What’s her fixation to that song, it’s like the only song that they play in concert in her world.

I don’t know how she heard Draco in a crowded venue, unless she’s kept some part of the canon vampire and has heightened hearing.

L: GO CRY, EMO KID!

MI Review Chapter 19: POORBLOODS REPRESENT!

2009-09-13T16:13:00.003-04:00

Before we begin, I would like to let you guys know that we are nearing the middle of the series. With any luck, we'll be introducing Greg in to mix finally, as he has agreed to hop in.

Also the upcoming chapters may be less frequent, Greg and I have started up classes again, and I'm unsure about my workload or his. Now that you know, let's get on with the chapter.

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

K: Everyone’s a Poorblood? Huh? What? What is that, like a gang?

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All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

K: I thought it was a ruse to get Ebony/Harry.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive.

K: And nobody noticed him cutting. Must be the secretive-ness.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).

K: No, they’re all wet, and clingy, and annoying—much like a wool sweater pulled from the dryer too early.

L: No, they usually just end up gay.

“No one fucking understands me!1” he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik)

K: A CROSS BELLY RING? ON A VAMPIRE? OHOHOHOHOHOHO.

“Accuse me? What about me!” I growled.

K: You know Ebony, Enoby, whatever, it’s not all about you.

L: No one’s accusing you.

“Buy-but-but-” he grunted.

“You fucking bastard!” I moaned.

“No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” he shouted.

L: That sounded like a rough sex session.

K: BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW.

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.

K: They make marijuana cigarettes now?

L: I TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS THEN END ON A soft note.

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.

L: Not apparated, mind you. He appearated.

“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my pot. “Wtf do you fink you’re doing in da gurl’s room?”

Only it wasn’t just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.

“Hey I need to ask you a question.” he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. “What are u wearing to the concert?”

K: Dear God NO. If Dumbledore wants to get it on with Ebony, I will gouge my eyes out with a spork.

“U no who MCR r!” I gasped.

K: Well…let’s just say I may be the father of one of those lads…or was it grandfather? Oh I can’t remember!

“No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2.” He said. “Anyway Draco has a surprise for u.”

K: Waaaaaait. My Chemical Romance is considered Punk? Nuh-uh. No way. Please tell me you’re joking.

L: I had to re-read that. Twice. D:

MI Review Chapter 18: How the Great Have Fallen.

2009-08-23T18:47:00.003-04:00

Chapter 18.

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!

K: Oh, wow, thanks for clearing that up for me. It makes so much sense now.

L: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NONE OF THAT MADE SENSE. D:

K: Really? Maybe I’m starting to understand “Goffik”. D:

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I woke up the next day in my coffin. I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.

K: Is there any article of clothing that you own that is NOT ripped?

L: Is there any reason you think people care what you’re wearing?

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth). Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.)

K: Broom stuff? Sex to Linkin Park? This sounds highly unromantic. D:

L: One song? Poor Draco. Can’t last more than a few minutes.

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys.

K: Last time I checked, there were no posters in the Great Hall, nor was it pink. It was fairly gothic in structure. At any rate, you can’t see SHIT once you paint something black. Believe me, I’ve done it.

L: I’m really, really hoping there is a point to that paragraph.

“WTF!” I shouted going to sit next to B’loody Mary and Willow. B’loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi.

K: Coming up to your thigh is considered long now?

L: Of COURSE there was no point! *headdesk*

B: njffgaer93]]]]]39rhjwO FBSA 32rtf’’g’[

L: Agreed.

“Those guys are so fucking hot.” Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black.

K: I dare to read that first sentence WITHOUT giggling. You raff, you roose.

“……………….DUMBLEDORE?1!” we all gasped.

K: Oh no, not DUMBLEDORE! He can’t be Goffik!

L: No words.

“WTF?” I shouted angrily. “I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!”

“Hello everyone.” he said happily. “As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?”

K: KILL YOURSELF DUMBLEDORE. I HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR YOU. I LIKED THE DRUNK VERSION BETTER.

L: Why is goffik Dumbleydore so happy?

K: Maybe it’s his PPP incarnation?

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn’t believe what a poser he was!1.

K: LIKE OMG, WE WERE SOOO GOTH BEFORE THEM. D:<

“BTW you can call me Albert.” HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

L: JUST IN CASE YOU WERE NOT AWARE HOW HE INFORMED THEM. IN CASE YOU MISSED IT.

“What a fucking poser!” Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) but I didn’t say anything. “I bet he’s havin a mid-life crisis!” Willow shouted.

K: Mid-life Crisis? Isn’t he like a fuck billion years old?

I was so fucking angry.

K: YOU AND ME BOTH, SISTAH, YOU AND ME BOTH.

L: If it’s a midlife crisis, it came about 100 years too late.

MI Review Chapter 17: No? Then we still have a problem.

2009-08-21T01:15:00.006-04:00

Chapter 17.

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn’t rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!

K: Who died and made you Queen of the Goffs? *Snort*

L: My brain died. It’s in a better place now. A place full of proper grammar, and sensible sentences…

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Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. “WTF Hargrid?” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fjucking bastard.” Well anyway Willow came. Hargird went away angrily.

K: FUCK YOU AND YOUR IMPORTANT BUSINESS! I’M DOING MY MAKEUP!

“Hey bitch you look kawaii.” she said.

“Yah but not as kawaii as you.” I answered sadly cause Willow’s really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.

K: That’s probably ‘cause she’s a zombie. Since you know Hermoine killed her and Lupin fucked her corpse.

L: And apparently, she has EVERYTHING.

“So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?” she asked.

“Yah.” I said happily.

“I’m gong with Diabolo.” she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said ‘666’ on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower. B’loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now. He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco’s black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there…….I gapsed.

K: To sum that paragraph up: MORE CHARACTER RAPE, CLOTHING DESCRIPTIONS AND EBONY GASPING.

L: BECAUSE VAMPIRES CAN DIE IN A CAR ACCIDENT, DUH.

And what preps? Not once have you mentioned any preps in that paragraph.

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

K: GENTLEMEN.

L: I would have thought the whole not having a nose and having red eyes would have given him away.

“U moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily. “Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Draco!”

K: Promise not to bleed on my suit and I’ll kill you quickly.

L: I love how Shakespearean Voldie-poo has turned out.

“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

K: I’m going to gut you like a Cornish game hen.

L: What the hell, man. She’s so badass except when it comes to Voldie-poo. >=[

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘avril lavigne’ on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE!

K: Are you sure it’s ain’t Branvard the Black or something? Or Alan Moore?

…Okay, maybe not Alan Moore. I’d cry.

L: OR RASPUTIN!

K: Please, Rasputin has been dead since 1994. Hellboy killed him. Duh.

L: Or Gandalf the Black. That’ one shade he hasn’t done yet.

K: Haha, looks like a Blaxploitation version of Gandalf is at hand!

MI Review Chapter 16: In which Karly goes Rantastic.

2009-08-19T14:13:00.003-04:00

Chapter 16.

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!

K: You think insulting her is going to get her to help you with this? Who do you think you are, the Cobra Commander? Running about, insulting your subordinates, thinking they’ll get whatever is commanded done? Well, hate to break it to ya sweetheart, but do you know what happens? When the shit hits the fan, they turn around and backstab him. I mean you.

…And then for some reason they come back and they all make up, and once more plot against the world. God, Cobra Commander was an idiot. Just like you.

L: Breathe, Karly, breathe. .________.

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We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing ‘Helena’. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!

K: NO FUCKING WAY. (Hurr hurr 'geddit' because--- you know, Fuck it.)

VOLDIE, HOW LOW YOU HAVE STOOPED.

L: 4 SRS.

Also, I never thought of “Helena” as the kind of song one moshes to.

Also, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA DEATH DEALERS.

“Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them”

K: I think the previous scene was meant to be a dream? I sure hope it was.

L: SO. LOST. SOLOST.

I think I want to keep track of how many times I say this throughout all 44 chapters.

That’s right folks, FOURTY FOUR GLORIOUS CHAPTERS.

K: I swear that’s your mantra now.

“What cause we…you know…” he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what.

K: Quite the contrary. Boys enjoy talking about sex. That’s right, I said it, SEX. SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH.

L: He gadgetted? Is he the Inspector?

K: GO GO GADGET PENIS. 8D

“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded in an angry voice.

K: 'CAUSE YOU HAD SEX. WHAT ARE WE? TEN? SERIOUSLY.

L: Well, damn.

I was gonna say something witty after “Well”, But I couldn’t think of anything. D:

“We won’t do that again.” Draco promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?”

K: ‘Cause being conscientious about our welfare by making sure our hormones are in check is TOTALLY mainstream.

L: A Christina? Whut? And I thought she enjoyed…well…you know!

K: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEX.

L: MY EARS! THEY BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!

“NO.” he muttered loudly.

L: He’s so talented at doing things like that. Muttering loudly and whatnot.

“R u becoming a prep or what?” I shootd angrily.

“Enoby! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing ‘Da world is black’ by GC to me.

I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

K: Oh my! Not even a single! I guess this must mean he REALLY does love you.

L: Did he jump on top of you before he started singing or something?

“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

B’loody Mary was standing there. “Hajimemashite gurl.” she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in japanese). “BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math.” (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)

K: 1) I’m scared she got ‘Hajimemashite’ correct. I checked to make sure it didn’t mean ‘Hey you, tentacle monster, fuck me.’
2) I don’t remember there being a math class in a Wizard’s school. Maybe Numerology, but not Mathematics. ‘cause Magic and Science do not mix.

“It serves that fuking bich right.” I laughed angrily.

L: Ah ha ha.

K: It's more like 'AH HA HA'.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. “Maybe Willow will die too.” I said.

K: What is that, the German knockoff?

L: Dear God, no! D:

“Kawai.” B’loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. “Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he’s a necphilak.”

K: Captain… I find this is highly illogical.

L: If this were Facebook, I would like this comment.

“Kawai.” I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

K: Doesn’t talking constitute as noise? And why are they saying ‘Kawaii’ like every second. I don’t think a girl being murdered THEN raped is CUTE, which is what ‘Kawaii’ means. Unless you’re Japanese, then I think they get off on that.

L: They do….they do. *rocks back and forth*

“OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr.” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”

K: First, you’re going, then you’re not, then you are… you sound like a Katy Perry song.

AND FUCK YOU GREG FOR GETTING ‘HOT N’ COLD’ STUCK IN MY HEAD. WANKER.

L: I like Katy Perry’s music.

K: I like that song-- it just-- well not the song you play while killing stuff. GREG.

B’Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”

“In Hot Topic, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.

K: Are there any Hot Topics in England? O.o

“No.” My head snaped up.

L: It’s like she heard you, Karly.

K: O.O

‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “B’Loody Mary are u a PREP?”

K: Okay. Just because you don’t shop at Hot Topic, doesn’t make you a prep. You know what the old Goths and Punks did? They made their own clothes. They went to Thrift Stores, Costume Shops, and Fetish Stores. And then customized the shit out of it. Some still do to this day. Quite frankly it’s a lot cheaper than that mass-produced corporate bullshit that you buy to look ‘individual’. It’s extremely hypocritical. “Ooooooh, I sticking it to the man by making him more money! Hurr hurr hurr!”

L: What is this, the Exorcist?

“NOOOO!NOOOO!” She laughed. “I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that’s all.”

K: Apparently Hermoine knows what I’m talking about.

L: At least she’s still somewhat decent thus far.

“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don’t even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

“Dumblydore.” She sed. “Let me just call our broms.”

K: I betcha it’s like his old robes that he’s selling off and what not. Maybe some S&M gear.

“OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?” I asked quietly.

L: THE CONTRADICTIONS AND OXYMORONS ARE MAKING ME LULZ.

“Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk.” She told me. “Come on let’s go.”

L: So he didn’t tell you. You snuck into his office. Not very nice, Hermione.

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. “We only have these for da real goffs.”

K: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, that’s rich.

L: “EXCEPT NOT” BA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAA.

“Da real goffs?” Me and B’Loody Mary asked.

L: Yeah, you know, what you aren’t!

“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.”

K: Is he a Goth, or a Hippy? Either way, he smells like patchouli.

L: Yeah, man! [/bong hit]

“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

L: Wouldn’t you STAY in the dressing room for fear of being spied on?

“Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said.

“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said B’Loody Mary.

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.

K: You know, he could get fired for that.

L: He’s too hot to get fired. I meant, he’s hotter than Gerard Way except not cause that’s impossible, don’tcha know.

K: Touché.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s ebondy dark’ness dementia TARA way what’s yours?”

“Tom Rid.” He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

K: *Slams fists on table* THAT SALESPERSON IS A SPY!

Also, didn’t like Tom Riddle have Black or Dark Brown hair, why’d he dye it?

L: To emphasize the Goffickness of it all.

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. “OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!”

K: Now you’re just getting pretentious. If I didn’t know it was some convoluted plot to kill you/Harry Potter (?), I would assume he was just a clerk being nice, and maybe hoping to see a familiar face in the crowd. But that’s just the sane way of thinking of it.

L: Actually, I could see where the flirtiness came in; When he ran his hand through this hair.

HAGRID’SONABROOMAGAIN!

K: D8

MI Review Chapter 15:

2009-08-18T12:47:00.002-04:00

Chapter 15.

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

K: This story sucks, now please improve your writing, or please die. Now remember to go down the street this time. That way you end in morgue instead of the hospital.

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“Ebony Ebony!” shouted Draco sadly. “No, please, come back!”

L: In my head, I hear him saying this like “EbonyEbony!” I do believe in commas, I do, I do!

But I was too mad.

L: Oh snap.

“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!” I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class.

K: SEXY. Apparently.

L: Why are we describing a key? And why is it blood-red? Didja shank someone with it?

K: Maybe she has one of them key cover-things that like make the key look rainbow or whatever. They usually have them so people won’t confuse which key is which.

L: D; [/sarcasm]

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!

K: I don’t think that’s Biology.

L: “I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped.”

Was her dress ripped, by any chance?

“Enoby I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to sing “Da Chronicles of Life and Death” (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

K: So the sound of emo/goth/screamo/whatever singers thrown in a blender. Gotcha.

L: Is it sad that I knew who each of those people were? D:

K: Yes, yes it is.

L: D:

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco’s now) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.

K: So you admit to seeing ‘A Cinderella Story’ but “h8” Hilary Duff. Huh.

L: You know, I’m always imagining this chubby chubby chick whenever I think of her, wearing too tight clothes. Anyone else?

MI Review: Chapter 14: Why can't I be less beautiful?

2009-08-17T14:29:00.002-04:00

Chapter 14.

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

K: Oh, she probably went across the street. Pansy.

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

K: What does sea birds have to do with this? Oh and viewers, I’d advise you to excrete. Otherwise you might die of some sort of poisoning.

L: POISONING FROM BIRD SHIT.

K: Exactly.

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn’t there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

K: I thought Voldie killed Cedric. And wasn’t Draco still human? So why is he crying blood?

L: I think Pettigrew had something to do with it, but I’m not entirely sure who killed who. It was more of, he touched the trophy and died. I think.

K: Ohhh, gotcha.

“Rid my sight you despicable preps!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

K: I have nothing witty to say here because I was laughing so hard my brain would not function.

L: Why-wait, what?

“Huh?” I asked.
”Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

K: Uhh…he’s a villain. Villains will torture your lover and then coerce you into sex.

Also, assuming she did not find another weapon along the way, she stabbed with a gun. A GUN.

L: HARDCORE.

K: It still does not make up for this shitty fan fiction though. :/

“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

K: You confuse me. You hate the and then kill them, then mourn over their loss. I’d be desecrating the corpse. Nothing say ‘Pwned’ more than tea bagging and/or urinating on your enemies’ corpses.

L: CAUSE SHE’S GOFFIK. GOFFIK = EMO. DUUH.

K: I thought Goths and Emos were two totally different subcultures. Unless “Goffik” is the blend between the two.

L: They are. Which further proves my point.

“Snaketail what art thou doing?” called Voldemort. Then…… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

K: Apparently Voldie’s a drag queen now. Not something I’d like to imagine. D:

L: Nah, the heels are for height. You saw how dapper he looked in that suit!

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

K: “’Cause getting tortured and escaping the Dark Lord just turns me on.”

L: You’d expect Draco to be turned on by that.

K: Maybe…*sniff* Maybe…

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.”

K: Of course not, why would you ever think that!

L: Yeah, it’s not like she’s ugly. Just not as pretty. GAWRSH.

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Draco.

K: Like Ebony’s nice and wholesome. Geez.

L: No, preps are whores. They get paid through their increasing reputation by giving the entire football team blowjobs. Ebony, however, is a slut.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.

K: A curse indeed. Here’s a cure: KILL YOURSELF. Get someone to “Steak” you, stuff your mouth with garlic, decapitate you, then burn you.

Oh wait, you can’t. Pussy.

L: SATAN DIDN’T MAKE YOU. EVEN SATANISTS KNOW THAT. STFU NOOB.

K: Also: UWAAAAAAAAAAAH! UWAAAAAAAAH! CRY SOME MORE!

…What!? Can’t a gal make a Heavy reference?

MI Review: Chapter 13 DUN DUN DUN!

2009-08-16T17:25:00.002-04:00

Chapter 13.

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

K: This is why I suggested a culling and/or mandatory sterilization. But would you people listen to me? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. See what happens. This. This fiction shitstorm riiiiiiiiight here, and these shitty Author's Notes.

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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

K: “I hope he doesn’t have a headache this time!”

“Dumbledore Dumblydore!” we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

L: DUMBLY DUMBLY DUMBLYDOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!

K: *Whistles* HEEEERE BOY! C’MON DUMBLYDORE!

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily.

K: Oh great, he‘s been hitting the bottle again. Not that I blame him.

“Volsemort has Draco!” we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

K: And quite possibly drunk.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Draco!” we begged.

L: What? All he did was laugh.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away. Vampire started crying. “My Draco!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

K: No, I don’t ‘fik’ gay guys because, quite frankly I have nothing they desire (IE, I have a vagina.)

And what’s with this complete out of character rape for Dumbledore? He likes everyone, well almost everyone, regardless. There was that one restraining order—I forgot the reason why…

L: He had a headache.

K: OF COURSE! *Slaps head*

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

L: Where’d it go?

K: To Tijuana!

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we were in Voldemprt’s lair!

K: If it was that easy to get to his Nefariously Evil (and quite possibly an Island) Lair, pardon my Ackbar, but I seriously think it would indeed be A TRAP.

L: No wai.

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!”
It was……………………………….. Voldemort!

K: Who were you guys expecting? Ernst Stavro Blofeld? Gilbert Gottfried? Seriously.

L: Apparently, Voldemort found God.

K: I could’ve sworn his conversion to Islam was a tabloid rumor. Oh well.

Karly and Lauren's My Immortal Review Chapter Twelve

2009-08-15T15:16:00.002-04:00

K: In unrelated news, I found the first fanfic I reviewed, Twila, the Girl Who was in Love with a Vampire has been deleted. Not something to mourn over, really.

Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

K: BACK. THE. FUCK. UP.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Seriously, some consistency would be nice; I thought I got over the aneurysm from last chapter. Also, why are you addressing and issue from American Schools in a British one, while you, young lady are from Dubai! What a load of osik.

L: I don’t like reading these author notes anymore. They make my head hurt. ;__;

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

K: Actually this is probably the smartest thing she’s done in the series. It’s killing two birds with one stone, vanquishing an enemy while meeting your beloved (I use that term loosely of course) in death.

L: AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY, DON’T FORGET THE HAPPY PART.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

K: Do people actually scream ‘OMFG!’? Just curious.

L: You must not have met Stephanie.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

K: Know WHAT?

L: Chicken Butt. :3

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

K: NO! I’M RETURNING TO MY CANON INCARNATION!

L: I’M MELTINNNNNG! I’M MELTIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

L: Guess you thought wrong, bitch.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

K: And the fucktarded fangirls GO WILD.

L: WILD.

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

K: Pedophiles don’t ALWAYS go after girls. >.>

Also, poor Dumbledore, you gotta give him credit for eating the video so that no one will ever lay eyes on it again.

L: Props for Hagrid for getting on a broomstick, though. Mad props.

K: Fo’ Sho’.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

L: Dis iz srs bisniss.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up preps like you.” I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

K: Oh, I wonder why?

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

K: Geez, what a bitch. You can just magic them black. GOD.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

K: Masturbated. MASTURBATED. D:

And technically a girl showering ain’t porno, unless she rubbed one out. Which I don’t really want to think about. >.>

L: Bitch, you were ALREADY viewed.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

L: What? Random.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

K: Oooh, very perceptive, this one is.

L: O wise one.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

K: Is that Latin, or Japanese? Both?

L: After warming up his vocal cords, he proceeded to DESTROY THEM.

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

K: ‘Cause nothing proves your ‘Goffikness’ more than black fires.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

K: Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…that’s deep, man.

L: K.

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

L: That explains everything.

K: I think he’s just done with this bullshit, and doesn’t quite care.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

K: That was an unnecessary freak-out.

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

K: Do they even make shoes like that?

L: You’d be surprised.

“You look kawai, girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly. “Fangs (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

K: You’d think that Hogwarts would have some rule for their vampire students feasting on other students.

L: That seems like an extremely interesting class.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

K: Geez, what do they put in the water at Hogwarts?

L: ROOFIIIIIIIIIIIIES!

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

K: Even though I totally initiated it and jumped on your shit, you’re still a fucker.

L: Duh.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

L: LOLWHUT?

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

K: Hooray for copying and pasting!

L: Déjà vu.

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

L: Will Raven ever return her sweater? Stay tuned!

K: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!

Karly and Lauren's My Immortal Review Chapter Eleven

2009-08-08T22:48:00.005-04:00

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

K: OMG SRIS ISSUS! I cannot miss this!

L: My eyes have burned out of my skull. I don’t think I can go on.

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

K: I don’t know about you, but I think the Magical Board of Education or whatever would put suicide prevention over looking like a pedophile.

L: Not if they wanted to hide the fact that they WANTED Ebony dead.

K: Touché.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

K: What kind of steak? Sirloin? Filet Mignon?

L: Rump Roast, of course!

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

K: "HOLY SHIT MARYLIN MANSON! MY EYES!"

Wait, what? Didn’t you just put on clothes?

L: I think I would have fallen OFF of the broomstick if Marilyn Manson suddenly popped up. D:

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

K: Harry has a womb? O.O

L: *sticks belly out* Also, DUMBLYDORE! :D <3>

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. L: Why didn’t Hagrid get OFF of the broom before he started running? O_o “What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

K: Hagrid’s a student? PIME TARADOX?

L: LOLWHUT?

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

L: I AM SO LOST. SOLOST.

K: Uh-Oh, rehashing lines! That’s not a good sign, dear.

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

K: Ebony must be a reaaaaaally bad shot if the only wound is from Dumbledore.

L: WHERE WERE CRACKLE AND POP WHEN SNAP NEEDED THEM MOST?

K: Gang-Banging Lucky the Leprechaun with Tony the Tiger and the Trix Rabbit.

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly. Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

K: Wait, they still use tapes? I thought video cameras used SD cards now.

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

K: I wouldn’t know, I’m not a hematophage.

L: Oh, dear, I know the feeling. -_-;;

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

K: Alright Fonze, get ready.

L: What song? See, THIS IS WHERE THE DETAILS ARE LACKING.

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. “Because I LOVE HER!”

L: WHUT?

K: NOW!!

L: DEAR GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MONSTROSITY OF A FANFICTION TURNING INTO HERE?! D:

My Immortal Review, Chapter Ten.

2009-07-24T12:03:00.003-04:00

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

K: Is it even possible to switch houses? Gay Fags is redundant. RE. DUN. DANT.

L: And, you don’t have to be evil to be in Slytherin. ASS.

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

K: Really, now? ‘cause you dress like one. May I also mention that all the bands she listens to, I haven’t? I’m more of a Dance Hall Crashers and Bad Manners person myself.

Also, my obligatory CREED SUCKS! I HATE THE BANDS YOU LIKE!!

L: Well, if you want to offend a vampire, you can try to kill them with a steak. If it doesn’t work, just toss it on over here, I’m sure Billy will enjoy it.

B: dfg gh02 4mgweop4t 244444444444444444444444444tg4rwegfasgikp’

L: Also, I LOL’d when I read “You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.” Sounds like the beginning of an episode of True Life. “True Life: I’m a slut. ‘You may think I’m a slut but I’m really not’” (the sentence between the ‘ ‘ ‘s is a voiceover type of thing. If you’ve seen the show, you’ll know what I mean.)

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

L: That’s a pretty talented thing to do on B’loody Mary’s part. She’s the one who should be the lead singer now, dontcha think?

K: Badum Tish. (Gotta love it!)

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

K: DRESSED IN CLOWN MAKEUP!

ADMIT IT, IT'S SEXY. XD

L: BUT THEN YOU CAN HAVE - WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS VAMPIRE NOW?

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

K: Yeeeeees’m.

L: Maybe, deep down inside, she wants you DEAD. It could be a fetish. Don’t be hatin’.

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

K: That too is out of character, however much closer to the previous one.

L: The way this story is going, this is much closer to Draco than it normally would be. D;

Also, I see Draco running out in a gay run. AKA, flailing whilst kicking legs up to the butt.

K: OMG like Philip used to do?

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

K: It was a hangover and a healthy dose of vicodin this time.

L: NOT SO HEALTHY AKSHUALLY.

K: How do you know? House lives off that shit, and well—look at him!

…Okay, maybe not.

L: D’:

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

K: Why is it lately, that the chapters must end with me going ‘Wait, what?’ or a ‘LOL WUT.’, or a variation thereof? To mix it up I’ll say this for ya: HOLY DOOLEY!

L: My sentiments exactly.

My Immortal Review, Chapter Nine...MOAR LIKE 'NEIN' AMIRITE?!

2009-07-18T14:36:00.001-04:00

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

L: Cause Snape would be the first person to convert. And, reading the books would be helpful towards writing a half decent fanfic.

K: Whoa, hold it right there sister! I don’t remember Dumbledore swearing in ANY of the movies! And I don’t think Wizards are practicing Christians anyway…

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

K: Sorry to sound like a valley girl, but LIKE, EWWWW.

L: Ewwwwwww.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!

L: And everything? Do villains come in a package?

K: Oh, I wonder who that could be! What retarded name does he get?

L: VOLDIE THE VOLDERMEISTER!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

L: Did Crookshanks attack Voldie and we just missed it?

K: What does Hermoine’s cat have to do with anything? This is madness.

L: MADNEEESSSSSS!!! *runs around ripping hair out of head*

K: No 'THIS. IS. SPARTA.' ? Oh well.

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

L: You mean, like Draco already said? Shocker! O:

K: I feel so out of the loop right now; it’s not even funny.

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

L: LOLWHUT? A GUN? Why not use a WAND?

K: Maybe he wised up and was like “Hey you know what would successfully kill him without being deflected? A cap in his bitch ass.”

L: But…it’s not as wizardly.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

L: I didn’t realize Voldie was into the Shakespearian way of speaking.

K: And knows how to do a ‘dude-ur-so-retarded’ look.

L: I like to think that’s how he always looks.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

L: . . . . . . . .Whut?

K: Uhhh, yeah. My thoughts exactly. That was kinda...contradicting. I think my brain died a little inside...

My Immortal Review, Chapter Eight.

2009-07-16T19:28:00.004-04:00

K: Hallo Frauliens~! Here we are with chapter eight. Last night I caught Half Blood Prince in theaters (which reminded me to put this up.) Anywho...it was 'Meh'. Like it built up good and just drops off, like a cliff. Dunno what Lauren thinks of it, haven't asked her yet. XD

Well, without further ado, here is the chapter!

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AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

K: Okay, now you’re just making up words. See I can do too! Moorple gooble witherwop! You’re not special, now go die in a PYRO RUSH.

L: Or, MOWAS

B: erd96999999999999cffvtgrfvjp77mM^]

5h.555555o999999999999999999999999999999999999 (Billy is a little upset.)

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

L: LOL NOW EVERYONE KNOWS DRACO IS A KEN DOLL.

K: I’m sure Slytherin lost some point there. MAN POINTS! Badum Tish.

“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly.

K: LOOK AT ME! I AM SCREAMING SADLY.

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

L: Again, with the apostrophe. It really must add to the mystery. And the name Hermione came out of NOWHERE. And the name change wasn’t necessary either. And apparently, your religion, and not your personality, is what it takes to get into one of the houses?

K: Yeah, you didn’t know? The Good Christians got to Asla—Gryffindor, The Agnostics go to Ravenclaw, Bhuddists go to Hufflepuff, the Satanists go to Slytherin, and Scientologists go to Hubbardbub.

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

L: Desire? I THOUGHT it was Draco, but now, I’m not entirely sure.

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him.

L: WAIT, WHAT?! I THOUGHT SHE WAS WITH DRACO?

K: UUUUUUUUWHAAAA?!?!?

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

L: I am so. Lost. Solost.

K: I think she’s actually putting herself in here right now.

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.

L: WHAT?

K: WHAT WHAT IN THE BUTT?

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

L: It’s a hard thing, to lose your virility.

K: I thought I lost mine on the Subway once. Turned out it was my wallet.

My Immortal Review, Chapter Seven.

2009-07-14T14:53:00.002-04:00

K: Sorry for the little hiatus, I had to move everything back on my desktop 'cause my laptop died. Also Team Fortress 2. SOOOOOOO ADDICTING. :3 Anywho, on to the review!

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

L: I would have something to say to that if I understood it.

B: op[[[[[[[[[[[[[[yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurooopppppppppphyyyyyyyy (Billy agrees.)

K: What’s ‘Tin god vons’? Metal deities?

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

L: Was that necessary to start a new paragraph? O_o

K: Yes, that’s sounds EXACTLY like a Bloomin’ Mary-Sue.

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

L: Reading that last sentence threw me off a bit. “He put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX.” So, (s)he has a ‘boy thingy’, too?

K: Wait, you didn’t know?

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

L: It makes me lol to see the …………. Every so often. It makes it seem dramatic.

K: It keeps her from typing DUN DUN DUN, which in my opinion would be better.

I was so angry.

L: Or as Ryan would say….SO TIGHT!

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

L: You don’t know anything. Maybe it was a dare. Foo’.

K: Come on now, we all know Draco’s the school bicycle. Okay?

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

L: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That is too much. I dislike that. Immensely. [/anger]

K: Is it a bad time to sing ‘Everbody has AIDs’?

L: Yes. THIS is better. :D

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

L: I can see that as like, the end of a scene of a TV movie or something. Right before a commercial.

K: HI BILLY MOTHERFUCKING MAYS HERE WITH JARATE. THIS PISS WILL FUCK YOR ENEMIES SHIT UP. JUST TOSS IT AND WATCH ‘EM FLEE! SEE THAT SPY OVER THERE? I’VE JUST SHOWN HIM WHO’S THE MOTHERFUCKING BOSS. YEAH IT’S JUST A JAR OF PISS BUT YOU WILL BUY BECAUSE I’M BILLY FUCKING MAYS. AND IF YOU CALL NOW, I’LL THROW IN A SECOND JARATE AND SANDVICH FOR FREE.

L: BILLY MAYS R.I.P.

K: WE MISS YOU BILLY.

Karly and Lauren's My Immoral Review Chapter Six

2009-06-29T14:34:00.006-04:00

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

K: Shjt? Sounds Swedish.

L: Smells Swedish.

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

K: Waitwaitwait…I thought she already had purple in her magical Sue-Hair already?

L: She put crosses IN her ears? This kinda fucks up the whole ‘I’m a vampire raaaaaaaaaaawr’ thing.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

K: On a funny (albeit nerdy) side note pertaining to blood since this is far more entertaining than the story at hand, Turians have dark blue blood, much like terrestrial Horseshoe Crabs. Meanwhile, Klingons have pinkish-purple blood. THE MORE YOU KNOW, AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE! GEEEE AIIIIIIII JOOOOOOOOOOOE~!!!

L: SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

K: Oh, I wonder who this could be…and ew, stubble on an effeminate man-boy.

L: ‘He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipst-‘ WTF?! ‘He didn’t have glasses anymore’ How did you know he used to have them? YOU’VE NEVER MET HIM BEFORE. HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SCAR? ‘My body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.’ I just…have NO words for this. The rest of the paragraph wore me out.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

L: Bipolar?

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

L: Why is he grumbling?

K: Because everybody’s calling him ‘Vampire’, duh. XD

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

K: Wayii…

L: Human blood! Heeheehee!

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

L: He seems a bit jealous that he isn’t the only vampire. ‘Whimpered’?

K: He’s afraid he’s gonna be called out as a Poser.

“Yeah.” I roared.

K: I imagine this as a kind of Lil’ Jon type ‘Yeah’. Like ‘YAY-YAH!’

L: I LOL’d when I read ‘roared’.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

K: You know what’s scary, this has almost perfect spelling, but little or nor punctuation. Usually Word is aflame with red.

L: Talked about what? It’s things like THIS that need detail, not what you’re wearing. Dipshit. Also, seems like she did more of the ‘I can’t keep using “said” to describe how my characters say things, so let’s use words that don’t make sense YAY.’

Karly and Lauren's 'My Immortal' Review: Chapter Five

2009-06-26T13:48:00.003-04:00

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

K: Oh noes! She found us out! Now she will halt her writing until she can come up with four sockpuppets to ass kiss her!

And the real reason Dumbledore swore is because he’s tired of this shit.

L: Don’t forget it’s also because he’s hardcore.

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

K: Made what?! MADE WHAAAAAAT?! COOKIES?! LEMONADE?! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!

L: I think she meant to say “made me and Draco and I follow him.” Srsly.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

K: Insert reference to the artist Ludacris here. Fuck, it’s 2 AM and I have nothing.

L: I wanna, licklicklicklick you from your head to your toes and I wanna, ooooh, to the bed down to the downdown to the flo’ and I wanna ah, ah, you make it so good I don’t wanna leave but I got to, knowknowknowknowknow what’s your fa-antasEEEEE?

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

L: They were both looking very angry. This can’t be good. ._.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

L: That’s ludacris! O:

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

K: “That was my line!”

L: Really? That’s all Snape said? O_o

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

L: LOL WHAT’S HE SHRIEKING FOR? I know in first grade, they tell you to try and use words other than ‘said’ when writing a story, but I think the substitute word should make SENSE.

K: Haha, Emo kid’s shrieking like a mynock. Or preteen girl.

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

K: That’s right kids. Underage, unprotected sex is alright, so long as you two are in love.

L: Sexy time! And how did Snape manage to get the last word on this?

K: Because Dumbledore’s so mad he’s on the verge of a Stroke.

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

L: Um, pretty sure they would’ve had an escort after what they just got sent to their rooms for.

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.

L: Ebony? Who’s Ebony? Isn’t the main character Enoby?

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

K: Wow, shortest wardrobe description in this story ever.

L: WHAT COLOR WAS HER BRA AND UNDERWEAR?! NOW I’LL NEVER KNOW! D:

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

L: “I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there.” WTF? Does that? Have to do? With being flattered? Other than that, it was a surprisingly decent ending to a chapter. @_@

Karly and Lauren's 'My Immortal' Review: Chapter Four

2009-06-03T16:31:00.003-04:00

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

L: My eyes are bleeding. And apparantly, everyone was calling Ebony ‘Ebony’ for some strange reason, instead of ‘Enoby’. O_o

K: They knew each other before? Puh-leese. You PULLED A Lucas and just made that up on the spot to shut us up. I CALL RETCON UP IN THIS BITCH.

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“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

L: Did he land it first? o_o

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

K: She’s pointing that out too. O_o

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

L: I don’t understand why she’s so pissed. She’s clearly a rebel, as we could see from the previous chapters. Why would it bug her so much that they’re going into the Forbidden Forest?

K: I bet it’s because of the Aforementioned ROUSes. Mary Sues are a delicacy among them.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

K: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Can’t he like ‘magic’ his eyes a different color? And why red? Because blue ain’t “goffik” enough? And that depressing sorrow and evilness is what you better watch out for. It’s a sure sign of getting killed and being dumped in the forest.

Next on CSI: Hogwarts, Agent Crumblydink investigates the death of student well known for her suicidal tendencies. Was it a suicide? Or something else?

And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

L: Just as you what? JUST AS YOU WHAT?! D:

OHMAHJEEBUS WHO MAKES OUT ‘KEENLY’? And how did Draco climb on top of her if they were leaning against a tree making out? She even took off her bra!

OHMY! HE PUT HIS THINGIE INTO HER YOU KNOW WHAT! O:

K: What, no Marvin Gaye? Not even some Barry White? LAAAAAAAAAAAAME.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

L: What does her body being pale have to do with the temperature of her body? O.o

K: She’s trying to sound like a cheap Drugstore Romance Novel.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!

L: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Despite his character in the book, I can see Dumbledore from Potter Puppet Pals doing that, but not angrily, more like “WHAT UP MOTHER FUCKER!”

K: THAT IS THE ONLY WORTHY LINE IN THIS WHOLE STORY. I’D PUT UP THE MACRO, BT I THINK YOU’VE SEEN IT ANYWAY. YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU. I’M PUTTING UP. (ALLCAPS FR SRS BSNSS.)

Dude, I was looking to see if Photobucket had some awesome pictures, but they only had that. If you search ‘My Immortal’ you just get Evanescence pictures and Icons related to the song. I suppose that’s a good thing.

No wait, I lied:

L: ALLCAPS FR SRS BSNSS FTW!

Karly and Lauren's 'My Immortal' Review: Chapter Three

2009-05-29T17:18:00.007-04:00

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

L: I’m only on chapter three, and I’m already done with the Author’s Notes. DONE WITH IT.

K: As I type, I am currently watching SSJGozar’s Alternate Reality Dragon Ball Z. Which suffice to say is far more worthy of my time. Just putting that out there.

And apparently people who give her good reviews are “goffik ppl”. I suppose “goffik” is a new slang term for “mentally retarded”. And I – WE should know. We went to a school meant for ahem, Re-res.

L: Yes we did! 8D Dee de deeeeeee!

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

L: Man. I wish I knew what she was gonna wear to the concert, and what she was doing to pass the time. [/sarcasm]

Human blood? Did it come in a bottle? Are there different flavors now?

K: Duuude you should try Chupacabra flavored.

Also the way she’s just “Oh, I’m going to cut myself and maybe read a book.” Slightly disturbs me.

One more thing: GOOD CHARLOTTE SUCKS! I HATE THE BANDS YOU LIKE!!

L: I was gonna say something about the cutting, but I had forgotten. D:

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

K: It’s doesn’t mean they’re not going to be harassed of have their ass kicked.

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.

L: I didn’t know depressed people speaking in a depressed tone of voice ended their sentences with exclamation points.

K: HA-HA! OXYMORON! (Work with me here, I'm trying. D:)

“Hi Ebony.” he said back.

L: Now THAT sounds depressed.

K: Cue Funeral Dirge.

We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

L: So, you went to the car in the Delorean, then smoked cigarettes and drugs. You smoked drugs? Really? And how was that for you? O_o Wow, and when you arrived at your destination, you BOTH got out of the car? And not just, “got out of the car”, you guys HOPPED out? Hardcore. Aaand, mosh pits are a lot more extreme than jumping up and down. Trust me. Aaand another thing, pretty sure most “goffiks” don’t mosh. Just sayin’.

K: Ohhh, they do Lauren, they do. I was in the back of the pit at Dir en Grey Concert, where all the heavy thrashers are. I was just minding my business screaming over Kyo, then BAM! Kidney punched.

Also DeLoreans are their own Brand. Just sayin’. I think it’s more like Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.

L: You sure they weren’t emo/punk kids? O_o

And I was talking about THE Delorean, silly. xD

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

L: You don’t? Sounds like something horrible you’d come up with.

K: They forgot the part where mommy drowns you in the bathtub months later due to postpartum depression.

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

L: As he sung? Really? ,’: /

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

L: How are you talking while supposedly moshing?

K: Real quick on the uptake. You call yourself a good girlfriend? For shame.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

L: Really? I’ve never met someone with a blonde face before. How. About. That.

K: I've seen it. It's--it’s pretty Horrifying.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

L: ………………………Not the Forbidden Forest!! O:

Also, the way she is portraying Draco is really bugging the crap out of me. She’s making him seem…pussywhipped, I guess you could say.

K: D: The Forbidden Forest?! Watch out for the ROUS!

Well if she had him in character he wouldn't ask her for the time of day. Also, I now have Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang stuck in my head.

Karly and Lauren's 'My Immortal' Review: Chapter Two

2009-05-28T19:22:00.003-04:00

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

L: No, it’s not ok. And neither is your spelling. D<

K: Seriously guys, you can put those flame throwers into better use…oh wait, what I am talking about. Torch this bitch like ‘Nam.

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

L: What, they’re selling blood by the bottle now? And again with all of the details! It’s really not necessary for all of these goddamn details! UGH.

K: Okay, what’s the deal with leather? From personal experience it’s tight, hot, and uncomfortable.

L: And what personal experience was this, Miss Karly? O:

K: I happen to own a pair of leather pants. Only wore them once. Don’t know how Dante (or any person) does it.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

L: I find it sort of creepy. I mean, I know I would be creeped out if someone just woke up and grinned at me. It’s frightening. Kind of like THIS. D:

K: Raven Black? Forest Green? Looks like someone was reading a box of Crayola crayons.

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.

K: “Actually, it was his stunt double.”

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

L: GOD DAMNIT VAMPIRES CANNOT BLUSH!

“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

L: Was cursing really necessary? And why are we shouting?

K: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!!

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

K: “I totally just let one rip. Give it a second, it’ll come to you.”

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.

L: Apparently, Draco is a LOLcat. Or should I say, ARE a LOLcat. O_o

K: Whatever happened to the awesome Wizard Bands? Like Led Zepplin. Or The Twisted Sisters. That’s what they were called? No wait, sorry, The Weird Sisters.

L: OR HARRY AND THE POTTERS?!

K: Holy Shit, that would be so awesomely Meta.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

L: Why are the band names abbreviated? ……

K: Because 14 year old girls don’t have time to spell out their favorite band’s name.

L: They must be too goth for that.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

K: ‘And dance and dance and dance…’

I gasped.

L: And den? And den? Anddenanddenanddenanddennnn?

K: NO MORE AND THEN!

L: D’:

Karly and Lauren's 'My Immortal' Review: Chapter One

2009-05-27T12:20:00.008-04:00

Yes…the shitstain that started it all: My Immortal. Let me tell you, I’ve wanted to do a “review” of it myself for so long, and since King has abandoned the endeavor, I feel it’s free game. (No Offense.) So without further ado, I shall try where others have failed.

--Karly

This will be my first time reading this, so all of my comments are immediate thoughts that came to mind while reading this. I’m frightened, and somewhat…excited? Let the games begin! 8D

--Lauren

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

K: Hardy-Har-Har. My sides are splitting.

L: WHY would you say she’s your “gf” when you aren’t dating? Is pretending to be a homosexual, then making fun of it the “cool ‘goffik’ (seriously? Goffik?)” thing to do? As far as my experience goes, most ‘goffiks’ are totally accepting of homosexuality, or are, in fact homosexual or bisexual themselves. And your friend clearly fails in the spelling department. I mean, it’s this bad, and it’s IMPROVED from what you wrote? Holy. Shite.

Oh, and what the HELL does MCR have to do with ANYTHING?

K: Or her "boyfriend".

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

L: So, what does this Ebony character look like? And what’s with the apostrophe in the middle of ‘darkness’? Does that add to the ‘mystery’ that is Ebony? And she thinks Gerard Way is a ‘major fucking hottie’, and she wishes to be related to him? Do I smell…INCEST?!

She’s a vampire but her teeth are straight……LOLWHUT?

Oh, and putting up the middle finger definitely defines your “gothiness”

K: I just want to know: 1) Did all your punctuation just run away? It reminds me of the line Picard says. 2) How there are Hot Topics in England, Let alone a Wizarding Community. Last I checked, Hot Topic is only in the good ol’ USA. Don’t worry, you guys ain’t missing much.

With that said, I call bullshit of the weather. You can’t be both freezing and not freezing. If it could, all logic will fail, and thus reality will fall apart. Which is something we all don’t want.

And an other thing...who the fuck starts a story with 'Hi'?

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

K: DUN DUN DUN!!!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

L: Shyly? What? Calling out to people instead of them already hovering around him? Or sending Crabbe and Goyle to get her? OOOOOO-kay. Majorly OOC here.

K: EXTREMELY Out of Character. Otherwise this story would not exist. But of course, when something exists, there’s a fandom. And when there's a fandom, there's shitty fanfics and Rule 34 Porn.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

L: HOW THE HELL DOES THIS END A CHAPTER?

K: Her brain shut down after this.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

L: Nope. It’s not. But, I will continue to read your horrible story.

K: Sorry for the lack of my references, this stuff is pretty tame; once we get further in the story I should be on a roll.

O HAY DER.

2009-05-26T16:59:00.002-04:00

Helloooo. I am Lauren. I will be joining Karly when she posts reviews of fanfics, for example: Really bad fanfic. I will be pointing out continuity and other such flaws, and Karly will continue to do the awesome snarky, pop-culture, meme filled comments you've enjoyed!

We hope to find a good (and by good, I mean AWFUL) fanfic to review for you soon!

Tally-ho!

The Final Chapter! YEEEEEEEEEEY.

2008-07-16T23:10:00.003-04:00

Great Scott! I'm DONE!!!

First off, I'd like to thanks King Krimson again for inspiring me to make this. Secondly, all those who have been reading. Thirdly, I'd like to thank pop culture for turning me into this freak of nature that I am. And last of all to Buddha, Jesus, Vishnu, Odin, Ra, Zeus, Jupiter, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Dagda, Ohrmzad, Baal, Xenu, Batman, David Bowie and Freddy Mercury for giving the strength to do this. *laughs* (After TFSM, I was looking through my mythology encyclopedia. XD)

Here it is the final stretch! Chapter twelve, "One".

a/n: ok r u redy 4 more? becuz sum certain bitch prepz were comploining i got more editars ok!!1 GET OVER IT!! dansk 2 everyon hu lieks it! kep reding LOL GOFFS RULE FOREVER.

CHAPTER 12

Four days past and I relized that I didn't love Edwart anymore. I couldn't beleve it miself. I woke up in da morning wif black tearz of deep sorrowfull endless evol depression all crying down mah face. I put on some Metalika musik nd cut rist.

...I thought of marriage counseling, but that's just too expensive.

"Twila are u in there?" someone whimpered from outside my room. I gasped. It sounded like Ed. But I just turned up the song and sang allong 2 it, screming "HOLD MI BREATH AS I WISH 4 DETH, OH PLEASE SATAN, WAKE ME" (a/n arent dose lyricz so menengful.)

Oh yes they are, now shut the hell up and continue.

"OH FUKKIN SATAN NO WHAT R U DOING IN THAR!!1111" Edward exploded crying becaus he knew what this meant. He knew that I didn't want to c him because I had fallen out of love.

I CAN'T SEE WHUT U DID THAR!

Man, Edward likes exploding, doesn't he?

"Darkness imprizoning me," I wept sadly. "All that I see-- absulote HORROR I KANNOT LIVE-- I KANNOT DIE!"

...You know that line would've sounded cooler if the situation was different and correctly spelled.

Sullenly the door broke down and a bunch of people kame in. It waz all da Cullens who were still alive n Jake (he had found hiz way out of da woods). They all storted to pin my hot body down so I could nut move.

...Oh boy, here comes another orgy.

"WTF ARE YOU DOING ASSHOLES." I shrieked. My rists were bleding everywhere. "NOW THE WORLD IS GONE ND I'M JUST ONE, OH SATAN HELP ME."

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ASSHOLES!!!

Hmm...could this be the next WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!?

[7/20]- BEHOLD! Thanks to xXxJUNEGUY1xXx we have ourselves a Macro!

They turned off da musik nd I fainted. "You can't do this Twi." They looked all serious. "Remember the pakt is that if you die, we all die." I woke up and asked "Yeah. But isn't the pakt just me Ed Hamez and Victory. What's gong on?"

Thus proving she's a drama queen and can faint on cue.

"We all entered da pakt by making out wif Hamez." They said nodding. I gasped again. "And Twila, u can't deny ur felines for Ed."

"Search your Heart, you know it to be true."

"I know lol," I promised. "I fink it was just a fase I just went thru." But then Carloyle stepped forward looking at me all weird. "Nu," he laughed darkly. "I told u it wasn't over Twila Beautiful Psycho Topaz Sad'ness Damian Cullen. I was trying to make you not love my son wif my powerz so you would kome back to me."

She adds another name! Also for some reason, that now Carlisle will proceed to twirl his mustache and laugh like Snidely Whiplash.

"Well letz celebrate." Jake screamed. "Twila doesn't want you Carl. You need to get over it."

AND NOW WE MAKE PARTY!!

"You really seem to understnad me?" Carlisse froned confusedly at Jake. "No one has ever realli understood me."

"Make love to me!"

So we all went to Vegass and had a party and came back to Washerton. Carlile and Jake got marred there. Then Jake died sadly in an axident so Carliel got remared to Esmie.

Whoa, hold up. What? How? Who? Where? When?

"Twila this place isn't safe." Edward told me that nite. "Did u see what happened to Jake, we need to go someplace safer. I know a safe place for vampirs it's called Black Cavern of Bloody Despair."

"Lovely place, right next to the Bog of Eternal Stench!"

"Den letz leave at dawn." I said staring at him deeply wif my eyes. "We kan start a new goffic life."

"Okay he said."

xXxXxXxXxXxXxX END xXxXxXxXxXxXxX

I'm so glad I'm done with this garbage. Thanks for reading! Be sure to keep checking, as I might have another target soon! Now I shall return to my Quest to beat the pile of games sitting right next to me!

Chapter Eleven (A very short Review)

2008-07-14T16:10:00.000-04:00

Now since this is a short review, I thought I throw something interesting here so you feel like this was actually worth reading. My friends and I came up with this rather Lulzy, albeit strangely fitting means on how G.I. Joe and Metal Gear could fit with one another. (I might write into a shitty fan fiction, so look forward to that! XD)

Any here's our reasoning: The Joes are a tool of the Patriots. As they fight for "Peace" against Cobra, we find out that Cobra is really the good guys, and Cobra Commander is really Big Boss. He created Cobra in order to stop the Patriots and named it in homage to The Boss' Cobra Unit.

Can I say in our defense, we did have a couple of drinks that night...so tipsy ingenuity/stupidity might be to blame.

Now here's what you came for: Chapter Eleven.

a/n: HAM EVRY1 ITZ BEEN 4EVAR!!1 my mom trid to make me wear a drezz n i had a tanttrum n brok da computer n slit muh ritz. but no we got a new one lolz? neway TONX FOR DA REVEWS WHILE I WAZ GONE, FUKK ALL U PREPS WHO HATE MI STORI! I SWERE ILL GET SATAN TO KILL U IN UR SLEEP U FUKKING POZERS! 666 XXX MCR STILL ROX!!11 XXX

CHAPTER 11

The next day I was walking 2 Hot Tonic wif Edward. When suddenly out of nowhere Hamez appered out of da blue.

"Hi," we said gothically. But he looked very angery for some raisin. "Would you mind if I killed you," he storted to sing from dat song by Withen Temptortion. "OMG STOP!111" Edward screamed jumping in front of me. I was so confuzed becuz I did nut know what was going on. Then I realized Hamez was trying to kill us.

"Why would u do such a thing you-- you sick dirtbag!" I cried wearing a long black satan skirt wif black leather boots and a ripped fishnet ponchu over a black velvet bra with red skullz. Mi makup was ruining down my pale pale face. BECUZ I WAS WEEPIGN.

"Now that Bellar is dead I don't ned your help." Hamez said as he also sobbed. "I don't want 2 do this but I have to. I'm afroid that . . . . . . . . . . . ."

"I DARE U TO FINNISH THAT SENTENCE." Edmond muttered at the top of his lungz. He turned into a bat and flew at Hamez but Victor leaped in front of him.

"Who are you?!" we all screamed exempt Hamez becuz she was his gf. She had jumped out of da trees. Then we decided 2 make up because we had no reason to fight (A/N maybe later u will find out what hamez was goona say be4 lolol.)

Vikroya was wearing a realli sexah outfit and Edward saw me looking at her and got realli jealouuz. He storted 2 make out wif Hamez to get bakk at me. "Oh no WHAT HAVE U DONE, OMG YOU FREAKING ARSE." Vikky shooted at my busband. "You just entered da pakt with Hamez." That was when we found out dat whenever someone kissez Hamez they get binded to him for da rest of eternity. "WTF that's so random." I laffed satanically. Edward looked realli scarered but I just said "It's okay, I like bi guyz so you can be with him too."

Vikky disappered becuz she was mad that Edward stole her boyfreend. Then me, Edward and Hamez had to preform a special marriage cermoney for the 3 of us to all be together. We all wore lots of black. "That is all." said Hamez looking at me flirty. "Now we have 2 seal the pact by dranking sum blood."

We all had an orgay nd went out to hunt. We found a whorewolf und were about 2 kill it when I relized it was Jakob. He changed back into a person and I gasped. His long blak hair had purple and silver streakz in it, his skin was ten shads lighter, and he was wering an Alezana tshirt wif tight blak pantz.

"Omg Jake, um." I said shy and sexy. "Hi u look realli good?"

"Thanx i got a new style" he said and looked at all of us. "Since you killed my dad I got real hordcore. Hey guyz can I join ur pakt."

We had a sekret goffic huddle nd thout about it but they got angry and said no. Jakob storted to cry becuz we had killed his dad and now we owed him. But Vikatora rolled her eyez, "Yea thatz karma" she pissed.

But then he turned back in2 a wolf and tried to attack us. I turned into a bat and flew out of tha way but Hamez waz too slow. I screamed suicidally as Jakabob was about to tear apart Hamz who suddenly shooted "IF I DIE THEN U ALL DIE, REMEMBER DA PAKT WE ARE TOGETHER 4 EVER." We were all horrorfied at dis.

So we had to save him but we got all cut up but Edward said "Its okay Twi, you look exy with blood on you." So we ran away and Jake got lost in the woods.

XXXXXXXXXXXX FIN CHAPTER 11 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Now I saved the review for the end, since I was saying this after each line I read.

*Takes a deep breath*

WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK

*Breath*

WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK
WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK!!!!!!

...That's all I have to say about this chapter. I feel must go study the Angry Video Game Nerd for some more colorful insults to this.

King Krimson's Flamebate Thread
ED's Entry on Tara
ED'S Entry on My Immortal
ED's entry on Twilight
TwilaBeautifulPyscoTopazCullen
My Immortal
Twila, The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre
What Fan fictions Should be like: 1
What Fan fictions Should be like: 2
Make your own Lulzy Fan fiction with this nifty device!

Chapter 10, GA-ROOVY!

2008-07-13T11:17:00.005-04:00

Sorry, sorry. Been feeding that Earthworm Jim habit I've grown. Also, I saw Hellboy II yesterday afternoon--I'd advise you to go see it. It was so much better than the first one. Del Toro went hog wild on the odd fantasy angle--like Pan's Labyrinth if Ofelia was six feet tall, red, and carried a kick-ass gun.

Now on a side tangent, if Tim Burton and Guillermo Del Toro did a collaboration, you'd bet your sweet mama's ass it will be creepy and weird as fuck. In a cool way, not like the next thing I'm mentioning.

Alright, now since I've found out that in Twilight, Vampires sparkle instead of turning into a pile of ash...I have to say WHAT THE FUCK STEPHANIE MEYER. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Though I guess that Bedazzling yourself might protect you from the sun-- maybe the rhinestones bounce reflect the sunlight.

*Sigh* Without further ado, here's Chapter Ten.

a/n: ok guyz, i no u hav all binwaden 4 mi updats butt i waz on tour wif FALLOUTBOYY becuz dey red mi story nd invited me 2 come wif them nd it wa relly kool!!111 YAH B JELOOZ!! OK MCR AND FLLOUTBOYS ROCK!! 666!!

Binwaden? Welease the Secwet Weapon? [Screw You YouTube! You have failed me!]
Also, I'm starting to think that this is indeed a troll attempting to copy Tara Gilesbie. Unless they read this and LIKED it (or though it'd be fun to have her around to laugh at), I doubt she went on tour with Fall Out Boy. Then again, she could've just slept her way in like a groupie or something.

CHAPTER 10

"So kan u plez tell me for why u decided 2 grace me with ur presenze." said Carli smiling. I noticed how sexah he looked wif his violet contacts in. He loked like an older, hotter vision of Edward and Pete Wints. He was werring blak eyelinear that was gong down his face from da last time he cryed.

Bum-bum-bum- Another one bites the dust! Bum-bum-bum- Another one bites the dust!

(This song is so awesome, it DESERVES to be embedded.)

"Ur son has taken advantege of me to many times." I growled staring at him all gothik. Soddenly my vision when blak nd all I could c was blakness. i screAMED AND SCREMED becauz idid nt know what was happiening. Then I saw a vision of da antikrist nd i laughed dark and suicidally.

"And...and..it...was..it was...CARROT TOP! CARROT TOP IS THE ANTICHRIST !" (I KNEW IT!)

"Twila, I just read youre mind." shouted Calisi. No i said "becuse I just saw da anticirst?"

"Yeah, freaked me out too. Wasn't expecting Carrot Top."

"Yes, my tru form is Satan." He describd. "Dat was me gonig into your thoghts and I saw the tru reazon why u came here with me."

...'Cause she want's to have sex with Satan? Eww.

"Let me just tell u." I said sobbing becuz he had figered me out. "I kame here becuz... . . . .."

"I'm a dirty little whore who wants to fuck every GOFFIK dude on the planet!"

"Because you wanted to make Edwat jealos." He said and I storted to cry. "How did u know?" I asked all deprezzed. He sed, "Becauz i just rad your mind"
Then all suddenly somebody knocked on Carlo's door. He lokked at me sadly nd opened da door and some gurl I didn't know jumped in.

Damn...shit's getting too kinky in here.

"What is dis. Why r u here?" we both asked the girl. She was realli ugly and twolve yerz old nd was wearing a pink Kelly Klorkson shirt nd had frizzie blond hair nd an ugly face. "HAI GUYS MI NAME IS FIONA!" she scremed giggling nd walked into the house but Carlisa pushed her back out. "But u kan call me FIONAFIONA32."

...Later on, we find out that that was Bizzaro Twila, or rather, the real one.

"Ew get da fukk out of here!" I shooted. "OMGZ ur such a prep." Me and Calri were both disgosted nd suddenly Edwoard appeared and bit her neck nd she stated to screm and bleed. I was sobbing becuz bleeding waz my gratest desire but my doktor sed if i cut miself anymroe I would die nd Edard would be sad. Anyway, Fona died on the flor and her body shirveled up and rotted away. Edward came in and got in a stand-off wiv his dad.

Wait, weren't you cutting before?

"Plz plz stop." I said still crying. They were both killing each other nd their makup waz running down the faces. "I'm soz Ed. I didn't mean 2 hurt you I just wanted you to be jealuz. I doon't want to be with ur dad, kan u please take me home."

OH NO! EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! THE MAKEUP IS RUNNING! QUICK BEFORE SOMEONE BREAKS A NAIL!

Edward was so relived but Carlise was crying angrily and he storted to transform. "NO!!11" he yelled. "Nobody kan reject Satan. DO U HEAR ME TILA, I AM STAN!!1"

...And I'm Karly, nice to meetcha Stan. Now cut the ALLCAPS or I'll cap ya. [sarcasm](LOL Geddit!) [/sarcasm]

"Yah I know." I said roling my eyez. But he kame running at me and I kicked him and he feel over moaning. Me and Ed left him there and walked out helding handz while "Thnx fr da MEMRS" played in the bakkground (a/n FAGG OT BOY FUKKING ROKKS!!1 IF U DUNT LIK DEM THEN GO KILL URSELF FUKK U! FALLOT BOY 4EVA). I had an invasion in my head sudenly while we where walking of da Antikrist saying "This is not over Twila, this weil never be over. Bitch" But I blooked it out becuz I knew I was stronger dan him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END CHAP10 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

All I can say is...Fag Out Boy, amirite?

Stronger than Satan! THIS IS BLASPHEMY! THIS IS MADNESS!

That's Chapter Ten Folks! Look forward to the really short review of Chapter Eleven!

King Krimson's Flamebate Thread
ED's Entry on Tara
ED'S Entry on My Immortal
ED's entry on Twilight
TwilaBeautifulPyscoTopazCullen
My Immortal
Twila, The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre
What Fan fictions Should be like: 1
What Fan fictions Should be like: 2
Make your own Lulzy Fan fiction with this nifty device!

Chapter Nine, 3/4ths there.

2008-07-11T16:25:00.002-04:00

Okay, I'm picking up the review since INCIT's pretty much dead, and I have to wait for my torrent to finish downloading before I go and play The Movies. As I type, there is a little sprite of Earthworm Jim prancing about the screen. I hope he's able to ward of the foulness of this fan fiction. (Also, he makes me giggle when he plays the accordion.)

(You can get him HERE. )

a/n: OMG SOZ I TOOK SO LUNG 2 UPDATE. i kant realli say why but if u want tu know den msg me nd i'll tell u dat i had an emegency nd almost died from sallowing 5 bottles of aspirin lol.

You just told us what happened. And from what I can tell from the Wiki on Asprin, you should be dead. Unless of course, you're a fucking vampire/zombie.

LOL GUEZZ WHAT, TU ALL OF U PPL WHO SAY DAT IM DUMB, MI PSYCOLGY TEACHER TOLD ME 2 IGNORE U becuz ur just playing mind gamez 2 tri to make me fell bad abot miself. i am not da losser in dis situaton! neway PREEPS STOP FLAMONG, gothz tanx for da good stuff, MCR ROX!!11 666

...I'm not even to the story, and I already need that asprin. Also has your Psychology teacher even READ this? He could use it as a case study.

CHAPTER 9

Recap from Chapta 8: "I want to kill Bella becuz ..." "We kan help u wif dat." I said sexily.
"Muy bean." (C IS DAT SPELLED WRUNG.) "I'll c u at dawn"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

No, you didn't. Wait, what? I thought you wanted to kill Tila Tequila?

When I woke up again that morning I was ready to kill Bella. It was dawn and Hamez had packed all of da supplies for killing. Eddie woke up and opened his eyez which were the same as mine. We put on our makeup (he had on white foundation, black eyeliner, and dis fake blood stuff that goes on ur face. i had on purple eyeshadow, lots of blakk, and drak lipstick.) Hamez tried to watch us get dressed but I told him that if he didn't fuck off I wouldn't help him kill that little bytch.

...Now I need the asprin AND a crowbar. (Hehe, Jim's playing the accordion again! XD)

Also this is something I should've brought up a LONG time ago. How do these vampires live during the day? Shouldn't they be piles of putrid ash?

So I didn't go 2 school but the preppy prinzipal was too scared to call nd ask why. Ed didn't go eiver. I suddenly remebered Midnite and knew she would want 2 be involved too but she was on her honeymoon with Jaspa who I had told to love her or else I waz never gong to talk to him agen. While we were leaving secretely to Bella's house, I got sad becuase Ed and I didn't have a honeymoon. I started to cut my rists a little on da way there and I saw dat Ed looked worried.

'Marry my sister and love her or I'll never talk to you again!' Ooh, what a threat. *eyeroll*

(XD Jim just said 'I'm a Rocket Man!' and pulled out the ol' Pocket Rocket and flew away. Seriously, this thing enetertains me alot for some reason.)

And how hard is it for you say "Ed...after this, can we have out Honeymoon?" intsead "BAWWWWWW! I WANT A HOMEYMOON!!" *cuts*

When we got there Hamez borke into the house and we went upstares to Bella's room. The whole thing was pink nd it reminded me of Roslyn's room. I storted 2 cry all hot and angsty because that's where I had caught her with my husband. I cut my rists some more but Hamez said "Shhh, we can't let her no we are at her casa."

'Also, the carpet's white, and we don't want evidence to convict us, do we?'

She was sleeping all preppy nd there were posters of Ed on her walls. I ran over and tore them down wif my long, black nails. She was dreaming abot Ed and he started to get angry becuz he hated her. "Ok are u ready?" Hamez whimpered. "Here Tila you can take this sword. Eddie kan have the needle, itz full of cyanide." Well I was sad becuz I had alwez wanted to inject myself but I didn't say neithing because I knew they wuldnt understend. I storted to cry tears of blood and Ed gasped and started crying also with me.

'Why can't I get the cyanide syringe?'

'''Cause we know you'd just try killing yourself with it, now take the fucking sword.'

"Don't tell me . . . . ." he screamed wif depths of depression and pain in his voice. "Dat ur SAD shes going 2 die?" "No you fukking retard. I'm sad because there are so many things dat I want in life but evry1 only cares about my bodi!"

Okay, this is TOTALLY unrelated to the subject at hand. You're killing an innocent girl and you NOW realize that you want more in your life than having a hot body? Pshht. Though it kinda would've been better for story development if she cared for Bella INSTEAD OF HAVING HER FUCKING HEAD SHOVED UP OWN HER ASS THE WHOLE STORY.

"It's not ur fault that u'r beautiful." He cried sexily hugging me. Hamez got scared becuz we were being loud but Beela didn't wak up. Suddenly we killed her.

'Yeah, it's the over-fantasised Suethor that's to blame.' *stab*

"Thank satan she's gone." we all said in unicorn. Her body disintergrated into her bed which was all wet with blood. We ate her bed so there would be no evidenze (lol geddit like evinezenze.) And left before her mom could wake up.

Okay, read the first sentence of that and tell me that you DIDN'T laugh. Also, how does three people eat a bed, matress and all under a few minutes? Even more so, how would you shit that out?

When we got to da door there was someone blocking it suicidally. "CARLIZ?" we all scremed at once. "Yes I can't take it anemore." he said breathing all crazy. He was looking at me! Edward put his hand around me like protection. "Why are u here dad? GET OUT." His eyes started 2 rage.

Again with the made-up adjectives.

"I'm here to take Tqila. I am gong to make her my bride. And we will live in da darkness forevamore hahaha!" he laughed evilly in a gothic voice that I suddenly realized was sexy. Then I sterted to think.

Woah, whoah, woah. Carlisle is now Dracula? o.O

"Wait now." I kommanded when Ed was about to kill Calile. DARKNEZZ FOREVERMORE? I thought beginning to have a mind change. "Mebe that would be good for me you know? Because I need a vampir who can kepp me gothikally satisfied nd stuff."

Mind change? With what? A Vegetable?

Yes, Vampires need to be 'gothically satsified'. For some reason.

EDWARD WAS HEARTBORKEN. He satired to scream at the top of his lungs as black venemoos blood poured out of him. When a vampere gets ejected by da person that they truly love, there body storts to spazz all explosing like. I was misterious so I didn't let you know what was gong on in my thoughts lol.

Dude, he shoulda known. But at least his exploding end will be awesome. Gory and hard to clean up afterwards, but nonetheless awesome.

"Yeh dat sounds like a plain." I said sullenly joyfully to Carlise. He was surmised that someone like me would want to be with him. Everyone in the room screamed in surprise. "Plz plz just tell me what I did to make you want do leave me." said Ed having an ellipictic sezre on the floor. But I didn't say anything still even though he was crying all too sensitive.

While Edward said this, he bit off his tongue.

"Ok." I finally gasped at Hamez. "Please just go along wif this. You'll see da true intestions of my plan soon." And I made him take Ed away. And then I went with Carl who was like "I'm so glad that u've made such a good choice," cackling all satanikally. We went 2 his house (STFU WE DIDNT EVEN DO ANTHING YET U FREAKIN PERVS.) And I knew what I had to do.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END CHAPP 9 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Fuck it, I'm going to stop asking questions, pop my tylenol, crowbar a hobo to death, then watch Earthworm Jim play the fucking accordion.

FOR FURTHER READING:

King Krimson's Flamebate Thread
ED's Entry on Tara
ED'S Entry on My Immortal
ED's entry on Twilight
TwilaBeautifulPyscoTopazCullen
My Immortal
Twila, The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre
What Fan fictions Should be like: 1
What Fan fictions Should be like: 2
Make your own Lulzy Fan fiction with this nifty device!

The chapter in which she Bastardizes the Spanish Language.

2008-07-09T16:43:00.003-04:00

Okay, I took four years of Spanish, and I'm semi-fluent in it. I think I shall translate the lines to the best of my knowledge. (I didn't have it this year since I passed the Regents with a 92.) Here's chapter eight, and it is positively wretch-worthy.

a/n: OKSU GUYZ PREPSTOP FLARMING!! siruisly if u fink mi grammer iZ BAD DEN FUKK U BITCH! DIS TORY IS GONG 2 MAK ME FAMOOSE SUM DAY ND IT WILL B SOLD IN LIBARIES OK SO WNH I AM A MELLONAIR U BITCHEZ KAN CUM CLAWRING 2 ME ND I WILL SAY FUKK U OK!!

Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure it will. Right after they make a movie after my awesome Star Wars/Transformers/Mass Effect/ Metal Gear/ G.I Joe/Dragonball Z/ Final Fantasy VII crossover.

NO, I was being sarcastic here. If I write a fan fiction, generally it has original charaters and storyline. With a little mentioning of some of the characters. Here's an example of my stunning writing (Okay, not really. This is something boredom does to you.)

disclainer: btw, TWILIGT does not belung 2 me, it is by serpantie millerz, ok she wunt su me now.

All you chances of becoming a Millionaire...out the window.

PLZ ENJOY GOTHEZ, DANX FOR DA GUD COMMENX. i am out of rebab soo i will b able 2 updat more arugato! OH ND fanx 2 Rodriga for helping me wif da spanish! U WILL C WHAT I MEAN LOL x666x

...Oh my Flying Spagetti Monster. Not one but TWO laguages being raped. (Not sure what 'arugato' supposed to mean. Arigato? Arugala?)

CHAPTER 8

"Twila . . . . . . . . . ."

I kicked and whismered in my sleep as da voice got louder and louder. I was sleeping in bed with Edward, but I don't think he heard it because he didn't say he heard it. Plus he was sleeping.

Well that explains why he didn't hear it.

"TWILA, TILA!" said the voice screamingly. It sounded like an ugly old man, or it sounded like Midnite. I wazn't realli sure. I opened my eyes, which were like endless pools of beautiyful topaz. I looked around in the dark, but since I was a vampir I could see in the dark (a/n vampirs can see in the dark). I saw Ed next to me. His bornze hair was messy and sexah nd his pale skin glowed in the dark. He was silently singing "Da Hell Song" by sum-42 in his sleep.

Seriously now, she's just making up adjectives.

"Hoes there?" I crapped poisonally. My long black hair whipped around me as I turned back and forth at da speed of light. I didn't c anyone there so I was fukking confused. I had on a silver nitegown with black linning, and blak lace all around da boobs. I was wearing blak stilettos nd had on tons of eyeliner that I had made cat eyes out of.

I'd expect you to crap out poison, since you consist of pure evil. Also, who wears stilettos and makeup to bed? Oh wait, I know...WHORES.

Then the voice contunued to shout, "Cum to me Tila Beautifu Psyco Topaz Cullen. OPEN UR EYES TILA TEQUALA FOR IT IS ME!"

Twila's true identity has been revealed. It was Tila Tequila ALL ALONG. Thus proving my previous staement is TRUE.

"WHAT?!"!! I shooted. "OK STOP FUKING AROND, WHO DA HELL IS ME?"

"YOUR CONSCIENCE!"

Then I looked next to my bed and saw hu was standing ther! It was. .. ... A MAN!

Did he look-a like a man?

"What r u doing u effing pervert." I giggled foriously. "U now dat izn ot aportionate to b in a toung girlz rom?"

Angry giggling oxymoron #3 (Proceed to facepalm on my signal.)

*Facepalm*

"Hahahaa. Si, but I c dat you are lovers wif mi enemios." He said in Spanish.

"Hahaha. Si, pero yo veo tu eres encanta com mi enemigo."

Suddenly Ed woke up and growled all ruff nd tuff. He shined his gloriosus teeth in the mans face nd he was temporerily blinded for life.

Temporarily blinded for life. oxymoron #4. Perpare to facepalm again.

*Facepalm*

"MY EYES!" the ugly man shotted. So I was right, it was an ugly man. I got out of bed seducingly taking off my cloths. Edmard gasped all angry and sensative (a/n lol jealous hot bi guyz r so great) becauz I was getting naked in front of a strangler. A lot of other stuff happened and den we found out that da mans name was James but becuz he is Spanish they call him like HAmez. We found this out because I bribed him wif my body.

"¡Mis ojos! ¡Mis ojos! ¡Ay! ¡Es la diabla!

Once again we are proven that she is a whore.

"I dont quero 2 kill tus," he said in spanfish. His parents were killed by vampirs nd he plowed 2 get revenge on humans becuz they didnt help him during his hard time afterwords. Nd he converted 2 an Atheist Sattanist nd learned Spanish beczu he had to move to da Purto Rico Repoblic 2 do his reserch and stuff. "I want a kill Tila because. . . . . . .. "

Alright his parents were killed by vampires and he wants to get his revenge on...humans? Atheist Satantist, #5. *Facepalm* (Actually it like #2 again, but...)

Moving to Puerto Rico to research Vampires? Fuck, might as well go to Transylvania to hunt chupacabras. (That sounds like Uwe Boll movie. XD)

"I udderstand." I said stolenly. "We kan help you wif dat." My hubby said he would do anything 2 make me happy.

So they 'udderstand' that this guy wants to start by killing a star which is really Twila. Oooookay then. Do it. DO IT NOW!! UNLIMITED POWERRRRRRRRRRR!!!

"Moo bien." sed Hamez. "We start 2 plot her death at dawn. Hasta luigi until den."

"Muy bien. Platicamos ella muerte a la amanecer. Hasta luego."

Hasta Luigi? No THAT'S MAMA LUIGI TO YOU.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END DIS CHAPTER XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OK I INDUCED A NEW CRAKTER. PLZ MAK SURE UR KEPPING UP IF U WANT 2 KEEP READING, DIS STORI HAS A LOT MORE CHAPPERS PLANNED OKTHAX.

Not yet...not yet...My mission...is not over....

FOR FURTHER READING:

King Krimson's Flamebate Thread
ED's Entry on Tara
ED'S Entry on My Immortal
ED's entry on Twilight
TwilaBeautifulPyscoTopazCullen
My Immortal
Twila, The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre
What Fan fictions Should be like: 1
What Fan fictions Should be like: 2
Twilight in a Nutshell
Make your own Lulzy Fan fiction with this nifty device!

Chapter Seven, and I'm out of Mountain Dew.

2008-07-08T18:57:00.002-04:00

I'M SERIOUS HERE! I'VE HAD TO PUT THE MOUNTAIN DEW LEVEL UP TO RUSH'S ALBUM 'MOVING PICTURES!'

Moving on...

a/n: FLAMMERZ BAK OFF. GOTHZ FANX 4 DA GUD REVIOWS. sorry dat i tuk so lung 2 updatt! ok i waz lissening 2 lenkin park nd i storted 2 ovrdose on pot, crak, maryajana nd koke. and i had 2 go 2 da hoospital for a week lol.

I dunno, this is starting to sound like a troll. Anyone agree?

CHAPTER 7

The next day I woke up in the morning and opened my icy topaz eyes. I was covered in blood. Der was blood all over my bed. My rists had started cutting during the night while I was having nightmares. I moaned smexily and got in the shower nd all da blood went down the drain all swirly nd stuff like in the movie "Pycho" (geddit lik part of mi name, btw if u dnt lik gorey moves lik dat den FUK OFF!).

What's your fixation with telling people to Fuck Off?

I had got sent the unform for fukking Mount Saint Preps Adacemy in the mail and I put it on suicidally. It was prep-pink with purple plaid and the skirt was realli long. I got a knife and cut the skirt and made it really short. I also got a black sharppie and made the whole thing blak. I put a bunch of MCR pins on it and sum safety pins. I made a bunch of rips in the shirt where my bobs go and you could see my lazy blak bra. I put up my long strait blak hair in a messy thing with spikes all shooting out and put on red ishadow with blak glitter in it

Lalalalalalalalalalalalala...Not listening...(Wouldn't the skirts be short if the school was a school for "Preps"? Since most "Preps" are, well, sluts?)

When I got 2 school there were a million prepz there and I started tu cry gothically and give them the middle finger. Plus I remembed that I was pregnant and I screaming and all the stupid preps got scared and ran to tell the teachers who all wore pink. But they were all crowded arond some1 and gasping with orgasm and bewildedfulness. I pushed through them giving them all dirty looks and saw who they were staring at. It waz. . ... Edword!

Could be the lack of sleep, could not, but I can't make any sense of this previous part.

"OMGOD WTFRU!!111 DOING HERE?!" I shooted jumping into hir arms. All the teacherz got scared and ran away and kept looking at his beauty from the distance. "Bby I just couldn't keep going to that skool without you. So I transferred here. That skool is just full of prepz now."

...And this one ISN'T?

He storted to sing "You Know Whot They Do 2 Guys Like Us In Pirson" to me and I loved him. I knew that he would alwez be there for me.

Fucking A. Why don't you sing the whole Discography of MCR, or whatever! Gaaawd!

"Byt he way Twi, ur not pregg." I couldn't beleive it! He told me that he had gotten me tested and I wasn't going to have a baby.

Which means, somehow he took your urine while you slept. Creepy.

"I'm so glad lol." I was crying with joy. We ditched skool and dropped out. We smoked drugs and alcolol outside and the prepz wished they were as cool as us. Things were getting back to the good way that they used to be and.

And what Stellar examples you are of the "GOFFIK" Community. I swear, even Voltaire would probably kick the crap out of you.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END CHAP 7XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

ok sorri it wuz so shortt, im still in rehab from da incidenx so i need 2 get better 2 rite more of da good stuff LOL bye.

Wait, last time I checked, they don't let you use the internet in the Hospital. Liar. (How I know is a long story, don't feel like telling it. :/)

FOR FURTHER READING:

King Krimson's Flamebate Thread
ED's Entry on Tara
ED'S Entry on My Immortal
ED's entry on Twilight
TwilaBeautifulPyscoTopazCullen
My Immortal
Twila, The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre
What Fan fictions Should be like: 1
What Fan fictions Should be like: 2
Twilight in a Nutshell
Make your own Lulzy Fan fiction with this nifty device!

HAHA! LOINS!